On a lighter note 10 ways to keep warm at Canvey

[Guest]

1. Stand behnd the goal and keep warm from the steam of Nan burgers.

2. Go for a pee in the Bar and use the last urinal, if you are really skilled you can pee and put bot hands on the boiler.

3. Score three goals and your ears will burn while everyone talks about us.

4.........

[Guest]

4. Stand next to the guy using urinal three and get a warm leg. Does just a leg count>

[The Great Eckscape]

5. Steal one of Jeff Minton's padded bodywarmers after a game.

[Merv]

Why has the North Stand not been carpetted? A bit of axminster underfoot would stop a lot of the cold coming up from your toes.

[Guest]

The North Stand is fine as long as you do not stand on the top step as the wind gets you.

 

6. Burn the profits Rod Moore will make out of ricay's move should light up south Essex for years.

[CANV EFM]

i can confirm that the top step is one of the coldest places in the country..

[Andy the Marsh Rat]

Now I know what you look like Canv as I,ve only seen 1 person brave the summit of the North stand

[Joe White]

CANV, I think I recognised you on Saturday. Were you the balding, blond dark haired, six foot dwarf with one arm and one leg, both on opposite sides of your body?

If so how can you expect anybody to distinguish you as you obviously blend in with the rest of the crowd as befits an International man of mystery?

[CANV EFM]

absolutly..

[cangull]

Yes Canv - Obviously named an Edmund! but could not hold out on the surname bit, hence Canv!!

Joe forgot to mention the enormous mole hanging from the left nostril, it has a fancy design on it , looks just like a football ;O)

 

[Andy the Marsh Rat]

I do hope your not mistaking Canv with his Sherpa(the Himalayan type,not the van)as I couldn,t make out any facial features(what with the parka and the oxygen mask)as the guy I saw was only five foot one and that was in his platform climbing boots!

[cangull]

They weren't Climbing boots, they were modified tennis rackets. What looked like fur around his ankles was infact a dead fox that he stumbled onto the previous night having been thrown out of the boozer loaded up with 1664. Hence the mole the size of a football; commonly known as gout of the left nostril!! Probable cause; Watching football on the top step of the north bank, during extremely inclement weather wearing tennis rackets as an excuse for snow shoes!! Any other known cause?

[cangull]

Blimey, no response from Canv, hope we haven't upset him?

[CANV EFM]

no way chaps.. i am unupsetable...just a bit busy at the moment, which is most unlike me

[Joe White]

You may find him down a hole,

You may find him up a tree,

CANV is the name,

and his main claim to fame,

He's the International man of mystery.

 

ANON

 

Saw this ode about you quite recently CANV. Bit of a messy toilet it was in.

 

P.S. It was in the ladies as well.

 

P.P.S. What was I doing in the ladies? Poor eyesight at my time of life!!!

[Merv]

I thought I sussed the secret of keeping warm at Park Lane last Saturday. I was stood next to Anita and her hair accidently brushed my cheek. Suddenly I felt warm and content and as I looked into Anita's eyes, I realised she also was overcome by some sort of inner glow.

 

Then the lino made another diabolical mistake with an off-side ruling and we felt warm again. Was it love? No, we were standing right in front of Tony Richardson who was producing enough hot air, venon and spittle in his abuse of the happless official that Anita and I (plus half a dozen others in a 5yd radius) couldn't fail to feel hot and sticky.

 

Bugger solar power, wind power or any other energy saving gimmick. Stick an insulated funnel over Tony's head every time the ref gets it wrong and we could heat the clubhouse, the showers and half of the north bank.

 

As for Anita and I? We back to being just good friends.

[BEAN]

Much as I agree with you you Merv on the hot air emanating from Tony, I think our lingering look was disturbed by the vocal talents of Tony in attempting to obtain the attention of Jude Sterling (no 6) to show his admiration of his Oscar winning performance in the first half.

 

The warm glow however I put down to my morning ritual of Ready Brek! It works you know!

[Captain Haddock]

7. If you remember it, before leaving home slip on a pair of the wifes old tights.

 

(Tip) Pierce six holes for the eyes, ears, nose and mouth first.

 

 

[cangull]

Captain Haddock - Are you Canv in disguise then?? <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[Captain Haddock]

Seriously though....I spotted the 'tights' handy hint in one of Ray Mear's survival books. It had a dedicated chapter for Park Lane.