When the going gets tough ...

[Lennie Macfartney]

Quote from Liam in this week's Distorter:

"I'm going to be asking the board, the players & those coming back off the treatment table to help me through this mini crisis ... If they cannot do that, I'm not scared to go out & generate my own income."

 

Hmmmm! Just how brave is he, we ask?

 

All in the call of Duty, Act 1, Scene 1

 

Training has just finished for the day at Fleet Leisure. Manager, Liam Daish, calls over his trusted deputy, Alan Kimble.

 

LD: Right, Kimbo! Get showered, then get this on, we're heading up west tonight.

 

AK: [Eyes initially alight at the prospect of a night on the town, his expression soon falls as he holds up what Liam has handed him.] Boss? A bright red skin tight mini dress, 7 inch stillettos & a wig? What kind of place are we going to?

 

LD: The streets, Kimbo, the streets. You & I are going to make the supreme sacrifice as many times as it takes to get the cash we need to plug the bloody injury gaps we've got at the moment.

 

AK: The supreme sacrifice?

 

LD: Look, you've heard of Lou Reed, haven't you?

 

AK: The guy who did "Perfect Day?"

 

LD: That's the one, but you can forget your perfect day, this is going to be more of a walk on the wild side.

 

AK: F*ck me!

 

LD: I won't, but we will be.

 

AK: [White with the certain knowledge that there is no escape from what the gaffer has decided has to happen.] Boss, does it have to be us? Some of the lads would probably do a lot better. Slats or Longy would look a lot nicer than you or me in this get up & if the punters are into a bit of domination, Macca or Sash would go down a storm.

 

LD: Have you got a brain? The injury crisis is bad enough as it is, without half the team hobbling round the pitch, legs akimbo like they've been riding a bull elephant bareback, grimacing like an old nanny sucking on a lemon everytime they kick the bloody ball.

 

AK: There has to be a better way than this. [Slowly looks at his superior, as a thought hits him.] You've done this before, haven't you?

 

LD: Seen it done, yes. I was at Birmingham with Barry Fry, don't forget.

 

AK: [Incredulous.] Barry [****!!****] Fry!

 

LD: Re-built the whole squad on the proceeds of a month's work round the Bull Ring, did Bazza. Anyway, enough chit chat. Use this as well. [Tosses AK a Superdrug bag.]

 

AK: [Looking through the bag's contents.] OK. I can see the point of the waxing strips & the special bra with built in pushed up falsies, but what's with the roll of surgical tape?

 

LD: Look, Kimbo, have you ever heard the term, restraining the tackle?

 

AK: Well the odd ref would mention it to me, but I never ...

 

LD: Forget the footballing analogy & you might be there, old son. Just think of what Linford Christie could have done to save himself embarrassment. Now, stop talking. Get in the shower. Get your gear on & tell Maurice & Pete I want a word with them....

[Stu M]

Bit early for Xmas Fleet panto, but I back Lennie Macfartney for director!

[Slartibartfast]

I've heard there is good money to be made down the docks doing favours for sailors.

[DA11]

Is that not how Arsenal got Seaman?

[Greg_Dyke]

now he signed from QPR....much more sordid than the docks !

[Gravesendboy86]

F***in! Hillarous!