O/T Came across this - Non football related!

[Cookie]

In the criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty,here is a jury to be proud of!!!

 

A defendant was on trial for murder.There was strong evidence indicating guilt but there was no corpse.

In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted,resorted to a trick."Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, "I have a surprise for you all",the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute,the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door.The jurors, somewhat stunned,all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually,I made up the previous statement".

But you all looked on with anticipation.

I,therefore,put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed,and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury clearly confused,retired to deliberate. A few minutes later,the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt". "I saw all of you stare at the door"."

The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't!"

[Pagey]

at last a joke from you I haven't heard

[Cookie]

Oui you!

[Frankie100]

Cookie sort out those Cannon Street trains for some reason they keep getting delayed coming out from Ramsgate....something about missing guards!!!

[Cookie]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

 

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

 

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.

 

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

 

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

100 people who don't do dick.

 

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

 

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

 

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

20 kgs.

 

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

 

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

 

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

 

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.

Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

 

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

 

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Pepper spray will do that to you .

 

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."

 

Why do drivers' education classes in Corio schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

 

What's the Cuban National Anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

 

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

 

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and a English zoo?

An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

 

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."

A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this [****!!****]..."

 

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

[Cookie]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy,Bob.So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the

neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning,the weather had cleared,and they got on their way.They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski

weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked,"Bob,do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you,er,happen to get up in the middle of the night,go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said,a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,"Yeah,look, I'm sorry, buddy.I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

 

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep

that smile for the rest of the day.)

[Cookie]

This is a test

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT? THIS IS SO FUNNY THAT IT WILL BOGGLE YOUR MIND. AND YOU WILL KEEP TRYING IT AT LEAST 50 MORE TIMES TO SEE IF YOU CAN OUTSMART YOUR FOOT. BUT YOU CAN'T!!

 

1. WHILE SITTING AT YOUR DESK, LIFT YOUR RIGHT FOOT OFF THE FLOOR AND MAKE CLOCKWISE CIRCLES WITH IT.

2. NOW, WHILE DOING THIS, DRAW THE NUMBER "6" IN THE AIR WIT YOUR RIGHT HAND. YOUR FOOT WILL CHANGE DIRECTION!!!

I TOLD YOU SO...AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

 

 

[Cookie]

They deserve this for winning the ashes:

 

Why do Australians call their favourite drink XXXX?

Because they can't spell beer.

 

Why can't Aussie blokes take their girlfriends to the cricket?

They eat all the grass.

 

An Australian driving instructor is taking young Bruce out on a lesson in

the Outback, when they find the road's blocked. The instructor says, "Bruce, have you ever made a U-turn?"

Bruce says, "No, but I once made a ram's eyes water."

 

Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?

He forgot it was still chained to his foot.

 

What do you call an Australian with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?

Bisexual.

 

Two Australian lads are walking through the bush, when they come across a dingo licking its privates.

After watching for a few moments, the first lad says, "Just between you and me, I've wanted to do that all my life."

The second lad says, "I dunno, mate - he looks pretty vicious."

 

What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?

A waiter.

 

Bruce and Sheila have been seeing each other for a while, when Sheila says, "I've got something to tell you, Bruce. I'm pregnant and if you don¹t marry me, I¹m going to jump off Sydney Harbour Bridge."

Bruce says, "That's what I like about you, Sheila. Not only are you a great shag but you're a good sport too."

 

A Jewish bloke, an Indian and an Australian are driving through the Outback, when their car breaks down. They knock on a farmer's door to see if he can give them beds for the night.

The farmer says, "I only have room for two. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."

The Jewish bloke says, "OK, I'll do it." But five minutes later there's a

knock at the door² the Jewish bloke's back. He says, "There's a pig in the barn,² I can't sleep in there."

So the Indian says, ³OK, I'll go.² But five minutes later there's a knock

at the door² the Indian's back. He says, ³There's an un-sacred cow in the barn,² I can't sleep in there."

So the Australian says, "No worries mate, I'll go." Five minutes later there's yet another knock at the door. It's the pig and cow.

 

What do you call an Australian in a suit?

The defendant.

 

A British bloke gets off the plane at Sydney airport and walks through to

customs. When it's his turn to get his passport stamped, the Aussie customs officer rattles off the usual questions, and says, "Do you have any past criminal convictions?"

The Brit says, "Sorry, I didn't think we still needed to."

 

A British tourist's walking through the Outback, when he notices a farmer

going at it with a sheep. The Brit calls out, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The Aussie farmer looks around angrily and says, "I'm not bloody sharing with anyone!"

[Cookie]

Baked Beans

 

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very

relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Frankie100]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those chaps always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Ramsgate supporters are the easiest to operate on.

There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the rear end are interchangeable."

[Cookie]

M & S

Mr.and Mrs.Fenton are retired,and Mrs.Fenton insists her husband go with her to M & S. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips.

He prefers to get in and get out,but Mrs Fenton loves to browse.

One day Mrs.Fenton gets this letter from the manager of M & S:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a

commotion in our store.We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

 

Things Mr.Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in

M & S:

 

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at

5-minute intervals.

 

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.

 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,'Code 3 security' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

 

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

 

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him,he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

 

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a

mirror, and picked his nose.

 

10. November 10: While handling knives in the hardware department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

 

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible " theme.

 

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

 

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

 

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

 

And last,but not least .

 

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while,then yelled very loudly,"There is no toilet paper in here!"

[Cookie]

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a Parramatta, NSW courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

 

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law, requiring that family unity be maintained where possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

 

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

 

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

 

[Rob_Butler]

When posted about Margate by Clive it was described as a sick joke.

[Cookie]

Oh dear...naughty me! Slap my wrist!

[Rob_Butler]

No. Rams fans do not result to physical violence.

[Cookie]

Result? Its "resort" young man. Wrong TWICE in one post. Thats not like you!

[Rob_Butler]

But I will let everyone know I am human. I could edit it and un-tick the "mark as edited box", but that's just being dishonest.

[Cookie]

Why? To amend,to edit is not dishonest in any way whatsoever.Its also not dishonest not to have "edited by" showing.I really dont see the problem in this.Others think the same as you Rob.Weird, the way some folks are overly suspicious! It looks neater thats all. Nothing underhanded in that whatsoever.The buttons are there to be used or not to be used. You have a choice.You & others shouldn't always assume that people are editing posts without mentioning it purely because they are underhanded.Its ridiculous!

Still,am not going to continue with this all night so lets just say that you are the winner eh,right or wrong? You wont give in until you've got the better of me so I submit just to make you happy.

Goodnight.Let the bed bugs bite!

[Cookie]

A man, getting along in years,finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things,but nothing seems to work.Finally,as a last hope,the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame,and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year.All you have to do is say '123,'and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled,all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down.But be warned the pork sword will not rise again for another year."

The old gent rushes home,anxious to try out his new powers.That night he showers,shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.He slides into bed cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever,just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"

[AncientBlue]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.

 

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.

 

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of

government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dix afix, and of course, Ibepokin.

 

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

 

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

 

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.