Jokes

[Cookie]

1Q) Whats Graham Poll's favourite T.V. show!

2Q) Theo Walcott's failed a drugs test.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1A) Play your cards right!

2A) His blood contained traces of Calpol.

[Cookie]

A German family are in a sports shop.The son picks up an England shirt & says to his sister,"I've decided to be an England supporter,I'd like this shirt".

She's livid,smacks him & yells,"Go to your mother".

So he goes to his mother & says,"I'm going to be

an England supporter,I'd like this shirt".

She smacks him & yells "Go to your father".

So he goes to his father & the same thing happens.

On the way home,the father says,"Son,what have you learnt from today?".

The son says,"I've only been an England supporter for an hour & already I hate you German bastards".

[Boney Crisp]

I have just heard that Saddam Hussein has stood trial and has been sentenced to death by being shot, but before Saddam gets shot the prosecuter asks who Saddam wants as his firing squad and Saddam said "Oh thats easy, I'll have Lampard, Gerrard and Carragher."

[phil d]

just heard tam is knocking the bar prices down for the misa meeting by 50p a drink

[Cookie]

Heard that one before Phil! l.o.l.

[Cookie]

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the

Rabbi and said, ''I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?''

''Good question'' noted the Rabbi. ''We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of

candles.

'' Oh'' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his usual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. ''What about the bread-wafer

purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?''

'' Ah,yes'' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question ''We collect them and send

them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers''

''I see'' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

''Well Rabbi'' he went on, ''what do you do with all the leftover foreskins

from the circumcisions you perform?''

'' Here too, we do not waste'' answered the Rabbi. ''What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they

send us a complete prick.''

[Cookie]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo

 

toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

 

 

 

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for

 

her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

 

 

 

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's

 

door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new

 

employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is

 

backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

 

 

 

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2

 

men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so

 

backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and

 

they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena

 

surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red

 

fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

 

 

 

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, Wraps

 

it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little

 

package between Elmo's legs.

 

 

 

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of

 

hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

 

 

 

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I

 

think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

 

 

 

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.