I thought this was very good...

[Electric ~soul~]

...could almost have been written by AFF, I reckon!!...

 

If Sven quit this morning...

 

There is so much negative analysis of England’s shambolic performance against Ecuador that I am put in mind of all the books on “Sven and the art of management” that must now, surely, be good for pulping. Here’s a challenge for fellow Idle Scrawlers – Sven resigns today and, Roy of the Rovers style, you are catapulted into the management role, jetting out the Germany right now. The team is assembled in a hotel meeting room; you have 30 minutes to prepare your strategy to beat Portugal. What do you say? Here’s what I would say:

 

“Lads – there’s only two possibilities: either you are a bunch of lazy, overpaid carthorses, or Sven was doing something wrong. I think the latter. That is why I have asked Mr Mclaren also to sling his hook. Look on it as a liberation – you’ve got a week to get it right and we are going to start the moment we leave this room. For now – a ten point plan...

 

“1. Here’s the positives: having lumbered us with too few strikers, at least we’ve found we can play 4-5-1. That is opportune because it’s the way some of the best English league teams play – so we will stick with it for next Saturday.

 

“2. Back four: the reason you’ve been shaky is, frankly, the goalie. You are at cross purposes at set pieces – so I am sending you out for a couple of days with the defensive coach and a DV camera. You have got to close people down. Rio, mate, you are from now on only allowed to put long balls through when we are two goals ahead. Robinson – improve or David James takes over: how does it feel to be told you are shakier than David James?

 

“3. Beckham. You have 45 minutes to convince me you can still play at this level. Plan A for Portugal is that you play till half time and then Lennon comes on. He is blistering down the flank and can turn defenders. If you don’t like it, go back to advertising sunglasses.

 

“4. Lampard and Gerrard – it nearly worked: all you have to do is push up another 10 yards and get within passing range of Rooney. Joe Cole: stop grandstanding – nobody buys all that Cristiano Ronaldo stuff: start releasing the ball and - like Rio with longballs – you are banned from backheeling until we are at least ahead.

 

"5. Rooney - sit back a minute and listen to this. Right gents: here is a player video we shot of Rooney during the match – observe. What do you notice? (“Er, boss, he cares about winning.”) Yes. Thanks for sharing that with the group. This lad actually wants to win. He gets angry when you don’t give him the ball. He forces himself to do things his body does not want to do. The reason for this is that he believes in the myth that England are a great football team, not a marketing solution for a global branding agency. Share that belief and you can win.

 

“6. The triangular passing game: see this chalkboard Sven was using – I’ve realised what was wrong with it: it’s upside down. Third pass in the triangle has got to be forward – at least some of the time. I saw too many passes to the back four on Sunday – and that’s what’s unsettled them. (Nods of agreement from Terry and Ferdinand)

 

“7. The wives and girlfriends. I have sent them home. Hand in your mobiles to my assistant coach, Sir Clive Woodward, who will from now on be working on individual player performance.

 

“8. Tonight you will get a dvd posted under your hotel room door. And every other night. No, not one of those dvds…Sir Clive’s team will be videoing your every move in training and you will be judged on your training ground performance. You will be talked through your performance at every stage: he will say things like - "Lampard, your body shape in that missed shot shows me your self belief is lacking"; anybody who fails to shape up is out of the team, at any time.

 

“9. The high pressure game – it does not work in the heat, and you will play Portugal in the heat. But that does not mean you never put pressure on the man with the ball. We are going to watch Argentina videos, and you are going to study how their midfield put pressure on the opposition. You may have noticed, Portugal have a tendency to lose their cool when pressured by a north European team…

 

“10. Finally. if you hear somebody shouting at you while you play, summoning you to be the heroes you really could be, disputing every bad decidion by the ref, and urging you to make quick tactical adjustments instead of squinting at a substitution form – that is me. The manager! I know it will feel strange, but go with it. There is nothing left to lose.”

[AFF]

Good article that, Zealster. Where is it from?

 

The Mad Swede is a complete Bozo although, in fairness, he was put there by that lot from Soho Square who should shoulder their share of the blame.

 

I was listening to Radio 5Live just before the Ecuador game when Sven was being interviewed. "How much do you know about Sunday's opponents, Swedish Chef?', said our man from the Beeb. "Well nothing prior to the World Cup finals, obviously," said yer Man, "But I've watched each of their three games out here in Baden-Baden-Baden."

 

"What!!" said I to the wireless, "Nothing? Whaddyamean nothing, you Dunderhead? For the love of Jesus, there's a thing called the qualifying group which takes place over the 18 months or whatever it is before the tournament proper and Ecuador were in a group with Brazil and Argentina, and they beat both of them, and you didn't watch one video of any of 'em? It's a bit of a taxing schedule is it, being Manager of England? There's only so much you can do in a 38 hour week is there? No time to look at a few videos of teams what we are certain to come across if we are to get anywhere in this tournament? How do you manage on four point two million pounds a year, anyway? 'Nothing'? You knew nothing about our second round opponents?"

 

And by the way. At what point did you and any of the rest of that ovewpaid bunch of has-beens on the bench beside you realise that Beckham may be having 'a little local difficulty' against Ecuador?When he threw up on the pitch, did it occur to you that all might not be entirely in order with t'lad's digestive system?

 

And after the Sweden game, he said "We've got to work on our defence of set-pieces". Jeessssssus. Defence of set-pieces! What's he got, a EUFA Grade A coaching badge or something? The cream of English footballers earning more than the average annual wage in a day, at the finest clubs in the world and we're going to work on our defence at set-pieces! It sounded like Verulam School Under 15 'B's.

 

It's such a simple game, admittedly for simple people, but Heaven's above! It occurred to me to send an E-mail to Our Man From The Mail On Sunday suggesting that he should suggest to Sven that he and his coaching team should stay out of the dressing-room at half-time this Saturday in the light of the teams second half performances so far.

[Electric ~soul~]

It was written by a Paul Mason from the BBC Sport website.

 

It's the fact that McClaren is waiting in the sidelines that disturbs me. Talk about a sideways step.

[The_Brotherhood]

In all fairness, AFF, we at Verulam have moved on to more pressing footballing matters such as using left footed left wingers. Complex stuff, i know.

 

Oh, and by the way, its UEFA.

[AFF]

Hi Brotherhood.

 

"Left-footed left wingers"? LEFT-footed left wingers?

 

Crikey. That's a courageous step. Does that mean that they can take the ball around the outside of the opposing right back in order to put a cross over into the box with their left foot? What will they think of next? Do you think that it will ever catch on? Whatever happened to three step-overs before checking back inside every single time in order to cross with the right? Fell out of fashion after the 2006 World Cup, I suppose.

 

A simple game for simple people.

 

Thanks for the correction with the EUFA thingie, by the way.

 

Hi Zealster.

 

McLaren. Hmmnnnn. It's a tricky one this. Scolari's record for his last 11 games in the World Cup is W.11, D.0, L.0. in comparison with McLaren's record of W.2, D.2, L.7 in the Premiership. Mind you, Scolari's record is only in the World Cup and even the Mad Swede is unbeaten in his last 4.

 

I have asked myself that if Real Madrid wanted a new Coaching Chap and they prepared a preliminary short-list of, what shall we say? err... ummnn.. 200, where would McLaren, initial S appear on that list?

[Davymac55]

Do any of you have a financial interest in Svengland winning the Cup? If so ,why? If you bet on them to win the cup before a ball was kicked you must be a bit miffed. Undefeated in four games they are now , in the Group of 16, longer odds than at the start of the event! So, having seen them play and supposedly having large liabilities before a ball was kicked, bookies have pushed them out in price! Anyway, anyone for Svengland ODDS ON to beat Portugal? AS for next in at Madrid,AFF, do you think they have heard of McLaren( other than F1)?