For that nice policeman near St Albans

[David Holden]

Now Ernie loved a widow,

A lady known as Sue

She lived all alone in Lily Lane

At number twenty-two

 

There is nothing specfic for 28

 

[David Holden]

You could hear the hoofbeats pound

As they raced across the ground

And the clatter of the wheels

As they spun round and round

And he galloped into Market Street,

His badge upon his chest

His name was Ernie

And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west.

 

Now Ernie loved a widow,

A lady known as Sue

She lived all alone in Lily Lane

At number twenty-two

They said she was too good for him,

She was haughty, proud and chic

But Ernie got his cocoa there

Tthree times every week

They called him Ernie

And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

 

She said she'd like to bathe in milk,

He said, "All right, sweetheart."

And when he finished work one night

He loaded up the cart

He asked if she wanted pasteurised,

'Cos pasteurised is best

She says, "Ernie I'll be happy

If it comes up to me chest."

That tickled old Ernie

And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west.

 

Now Ernie had a rival,

An evil-looking man

Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington

And he drove the baker's van

He tempted her with his treacle tarts

And his tasty wholemeal bread

And when she saw the size of his hot meat pies

It very nearly turned her head

 

She nearly swooned at his macaroons

And he said, "Now if you treat me right

You'll have hot rolls every morning,

And crumpets every night.

He knew once she sampled his layer cake

He'd have his wicked way

And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day

Poor Ernie

And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west.

 

One lunchtime Ted saw Ernie's horse

And cart outside her door

It drove him mad to find it was still there

At half past four

And as he leapt down from his van hot blood

Through his veins did course

And he went across to Ernie's cart

And he didn't half kick his horse

Whose name was Trigger

And he pulled the fastest milkcart in the west.

 

Now Ernie rushed out into the street,

His gold-top in his hand

He said, "If you wanna marry Susie

You fight for her like a man!"

"Oh why don't we play cards for her?"

He sneeringly replied

"And just to make it interesting

We'll have a shilling on the side."

 

Now Ernie dragged him from his van

And beneath the blazing sun

They stood there face to face,

And Ted went for his bun

But Ernie was too quick for him,

Things didn't go the way Ted planned

And a strawberry flavoured yoghurt

Sent it spinning from his hand.

 

Now Sue she ran between them,

And tried to keep them apart

But Ernie pushed her aside and a rock cake

Caught him underneath his heart

As he looked up in pained surprise,

At the concrete-hardened crust

A stale pork pie caught him in the eye

And Ernie bit the dust.

Poor Ernie ("Ernie!")

And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west.

 

Ernie was only fifty-two,

He didn't want to die

And now he's gone to make deliveries

In that milkround in the sky

Where the customers are angels

And ferocious dogs are banned

And a milkman's life is full of fun

In that fairy dairy land

 

But a woman's needs are many-fold,

And Sue, she married Ted.

But strange things happened on their wedding night

As they lay in their bed.

 

 

Was that the trees a-rustling,

Or the hinges of the gate?

Or Ernie's ghostly gold-tops

A-rattling in their crate?

They won't forget Ernie

And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west!

 

 

[Guest]

Fanbloodytastic.....do you think I could do a cover version?

[Guest]

Now there's a song that even you couldn't murder Gareth.

[Guest]

Ah shuddupa you face!

[Guest]

Dave, you have surpassed yourself. Even the nice policeman with the Benson & Hedges didn't know here name was Sue. Did you see that documentary about Benny recently? He really was a scoundrel.

 

I believe Deck of Cards is next in line fopr the lyric treatment.

 

Any other story song ideas? <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/yelrotflmao.gif" alt="" />