The Missing Braintree Sausage Revealed

[GazzaBTFC]

A couple of weeks ago the Braintree Football forum was over run by sausages which then mysteriously disapeared. For many, the fact of their disappearance was disturbing, as everyone likes a good sausage, especially in the morning.

 

A nationwide plea to all Non League clubs was put out and contact was made to many, especially in the Cumberland and Linconshire areas. Even a suasage help line was set up, a nationwide hunt was instigated. Fields were crossed, "Walls" were climbed, no stone was left un turned in this national hunt for the missing sausages.

 

Now, due to an incident in Essex, the police have requested that the hunt be called off for fear of fueling further a local terrorist action. On Monday 18th April a man was innocently driving his car in South Woodham Ferrers when he was was struck on the nose by a frozen sausage.

 

In an interview last night, Superintendent Mash of the Frying Squad said, "We cannot stress enough how serious this incident is. It was obviously an act of a local terrorist group, possibly linked to the missing Braintree Sausages. The driver of the car was obviously a victim of a premeditated drive by sausaging. We do not know why the victim was attacked but we suspect it was a case of mistaken identity as at the time of the incident, he was wearing a blue shirt. We will be continuing our investigations in the Cressing Road area of Braintree and will be interviewing members of Braintree Football Club as part of our enquiries. We ask the general public to be extra vigilant, especially in the South Essex area. If you see anyone acting suspiciously and carrying a pack of sausages, we ask you not to callenge them but report them to your local police station. These men are dangerous and know their onions".

[delboy]

Thats very interesting. Could this be the reason for Boretrees recent poor performances. No suasages!!!!. They have stopped "Banging" them in and resorted to throwing them at unsuspecting motorists.

[Uncle Urchin]

I do know that 'Hx Billy' is still looking for his sausages.... <img src="/forum/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

 

mind you...this new outbreak of 'drive by sausaging' is most worrying indeed... <img src="/forum/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

 

I certainly hope that the play off spectacle much anticipated 'tween Braintree and Ricay will not be spoiled by 'Mark The Sausage Stealer' lobbing the stolen contraband at the ricay boardroom windows.... <img src="/forum/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[GazzaBTFC]

Further to the events of this week, the Frying Squad are requesting the involvement of The Internet Police, following the deletion of the post on the Braintree Football Forum.

 

Superintendent Mash commented this morning that "We haven't even begun our investigation and we find that the co operation of Braintree Town Football Club non existant. We will be requesting further resources to grill them about their activities and that is where the Internet Police come in. They are the professionals when it comes to investigating the activities of people on this forum who wish to hide their activities".

 

Superintendent Mash said there was no truth in the rumour that Braintree Town FC are sausage jockys, "what they do in their own time is their affair. We are only interested in keeping the public safe from the Braintree Drive By Sausager. When we eventually capture him, we'll be in the gravy".

[Iron Webbo]

Just a word of warning, don't mess with SPAM (Sausage People's Army Militia). They're watching you Gazza and they know what you do with your toad in the hole. <img src="/forum/images/graemlins/ignore.gif" alt="" />

 

IF we get into the play-offs, expect lots of Lincolnshire's finest (together with the obligatory carrots) to come your way. Be afraid, very afraid ... <img src="/forum/images/graemlins/ignore.gif" alt="" />

 

...

 

The family that is SPAM. Once you join ... you never leave.

 

<img src="/forum/images/graemlins/spam.gif" alt="" />

[GazzaBTFC]

The BBC have reported that a certain Jo Stalin of Braintree, Essex is under investigation for the violent use of frozen sausages. A police spokesman has confirmed that this may be an alias and are keeping a vigilant watch on the subject's premises in Cressing Road.

 

Earlier this week a man was battered by a frozen sausage whilst out driving round South Woodham Ferrers. The police believe that the man, Jo Stalin and his accomplice Mr. Lenin have information concerning the disapearance of the Braintree Sausages, linking them with the Braintree Drive By Sausager.

 

Superintendent Mash said "I know the police resources are stretched but we have to keep the pressure up on this before we make a total meal of it and it becomes a hash!!!"

[The Town Crier]

My opinion, for what its worth, is that my Friend Mark Flag was ahead of the game.

 

The drive by sausaging was a serious incident, serious enough to be reported on the Essex news network.

 

So let’s examine what went on here. It is often reported on various forums, that Hx is run by Essex gangsters.

Two of the known HX gang were overheard in Braintree, hatching some sort of conspiracy and had their sausages impounded by Mr Flag. A job well done it seems.

 

What is worrying though, is the gang seem to have re-armed and are roaming the streets in which key members of our playing staff live.

[Johnr]

So it is true then,In Braintree WALLS have ears as well as sausages! <img src="/forum/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[GazzaBTFC]

Following the seriousness of the incident, the police are wondering how the sausages were kept frozen so far from their source destination.

 

Superintendent Mash was reported to have said that "it is a mystery. The sausage involved in the incident was frozen solid. No cool bag could've been present. It had to have been produced from a portable feezer. We will be mounting a security search at Hampton's ground and Braintree's ground. Anyone found in posession of a portable freezer will have it's contents confiscated and the person be held for questioning. We will freeze this dangerous individual out".

 

When questioned who he thought the "cool bag" was, the Superintendent answered "I have no further information to give the press at this moment. Lets just say that our investigations are simmering nicely and we hope to bring it to the boil by Sunday".

 

Chief Inspector Pots concluded the press conference by asking the general public to "keep your peelers open for anything or anyone looking suspicious and if anything does catch your eye, report it immediately to your local police station. We need to act fast to root this dangerous individual out".

[The Town Crier]

WOW...just read the Boretree site, has Flag gone?

 

Harmless fun surely, well it looked harmless to me. Does he know this latest sausage story is real? If he does, then it’s all very strange.

 

Let’s hope he reconsiders.

.............................

 

Chief inspector Pots, what does he know, it's not your eye you need to worry about, it’s the broken nose.

[delboy]

Now thats very strange. The internet police are looking for a portable freezer. When I collected my copy of the non truth paper today from goosberry green there was a pile of what looked like snow in the gutter. Could it have been dry ice from the portable freezer dropped by the dastardly so and so as he picked up his NLP.

Is there to be a drive by sausaging in the blues home town.