Spurs teamtalk

[GHA EFM]

Tottenham Hotspur football club had invited me to the club to give the team a motivational pep-talk before an important game. Their recent results have been poor, and as a long-suffering supporter, I felt it was my duty to try

to help the club. Last year they had invited Paul McKenna to hypnotise the squad, but they had overpowered him and buried him by the halfway line. Next time a game is on TV see if you can see the mound.

 

I walked into the dressing room and looked around. The players were sitting in their kit, silently focused on the game ahead. The manager introduced me and then left the room. He didn't want to cramp my style.

 

I took a deep breath and begun: "You are all bad people. All of you. Week after week you disappoint me. At the beginning of every season I have such high hopes, and inevitably you let me down. It's not like it's happened

once. Every single season you let me down. You're all overpaid and lazy. I hate you all. If your parents could see you now they would be unbearably ashamed. You are awful, rotten people. Yes, even you Jermaine! You guys

slumber in the safety of mid-table, always promising more and never delivering the goods. And as soon as you start playing well, you sit there hoping that Chelsea or Arsenal will buy you. You are bad, bad people. I want you to go home tonight and apologise to your families. Apolgise to anyone you see. Repent your awfulness. Every day you should wake up feeling ashamed, because you're bad players and bad human beings. Now go out there and win a football game. It's not too much to ask."

 

Then I walked out. The door slammed on its hinges. I don't suppose they will invite me back next year. I don't care. I said everything I needed to say.

 

Someone sent it to me, don't shoot the messenger...