How to make yourself even more popular.....

[Burnham Lad]

IN CHURCH

 

Arrive late and noisily .Walk around taking flash photographs of stained glass windows during the service.

Always be half a line ahead of the vicar and be as loud as you dare during the responses.

Put foreign coins into the collection. If it’s a plate, put in a paper note and take some change.

Sing out of tune with everybody else, and three words ahead.

Pour water in the font and wash your hands in it before eating your packed lunch during the sermon.

 

IN SURGERIES AND HEALTH CENTRES

 

Cough loudly all the time.

Pick up all the interesting magazines and pile them up beside you while you wait.

Go in wearing a surgical mask and open all the windows in the middle of winter to avoid breathing in other peoples' germs.

Sit and scratch non stop until your name is called.

Take off your shoes and socks and minutely inspect your feet, sniffing all the while. Cut your toenails and flick the bits across the floor.

Take in a suspicious looking bag and arrange for some even more suspicious red-coloured looking liquid to drip from it all over the floor.

 

IN OTHER PEOPLES’ HOMES

 

Always sit in the most comfortable chair on the grounds that you have a “back” problem.

Never offer to help in the kitchen because you’re frightened of breaking something, or getting in the way.

When your hostess is rushed off her feet, tell her to sit down and relax for a minute.

Drink spirits whenever they are offered.

Stay up late after your hosts have gone to bed, and get up later than them in the morning. Ask if you can have breakfast in bed to make things easier for them.

Spend at least an hour in the bathroom when everybody else is trying to get ready for work.

Offer to cook one evening. Use every implement in the kitchen and produce a total disaster. Don't offer to wash up on the grounds you "don't know where things are stored".

Monopolise the TV remote and surf across the channels at random when somebody is watching their favourite soap.

 

TOWARDS YOUR NEIGHBOURS

 

As soon as you move in, erect a 6 foot fence, painted bright orange on their side.

Having erected the fence, use it for target practice for tennis or cricket.

If you share a driveway, erect a fence down your half or re-lay your side with a particularly colourful or unusual piece of paving.

Light smoky smelly bonfires whenever the wind is blowing in their direction, or when they have just hung their washing out

Hold exciting parties and never invite them

Grow obnoxious weeds on your side of the fence and train them to grow through and under the fence into your neighbour’s garden

Get some interesting pets – peacocks and cockerels are ideal; they are incredibly noisy around dawn, perch on roofs and screech down at everybody..

Sit out on your patio with the radio blazing away with pop music when you know your neighbours enjoy listening to birdsong, or have invited friends round for a quiet al-fresco meal..

 

AT CHRISTMAS

 

Arrange for all your Christmas presents to be delivered to others in the first week in January.

Send no Christmas cards at all.

Refuse to give any guests a drink on the grounds they won’t want to drink and drive. Offer plenty of soft drinks and pour yourself a large Scotch on the grounds that you aren’t going anywhere, so don’t have to worry.

Set fire to the Christmas pudding with Meths instead of brandy.

Send the television away to be serviced on Christmas Eve.

If you’re still eating when Her Majesty speaks, make everyone stand up for the National Anthem. It’s even better if they’re all dozing off. Wake them up.

Fill the childrens’ stockings with useful gifts like 'GCSE' Revision Cards.

Give other people the same gift they gave you last Christmas.