Getting ready for Sunday

[herts blue]

Ten things to do before England-France

 

By Tom Fordyce

 

It's the biggest England game since the World Cup quarter-final against Brazil.

 

With kick-off fast approaching, your head is threatening to explode with excitement.

 

Relax. Just follow our simple 10-step countdown, and all will be fine....

 

 

10. NAIL DOWN THE VENUE

 

 

First things first. Get it clear in your own mind exactly where you want to be as the whistle goes.

 

Do you like being surrounded by sweaty drunken strangers who may spontaneously bear-hug you in the event of a goal, and accidentally brand you with a lit cigarette if nudged mid-match?

 

Then the boozer is the place for you, my friend. Should a glacial silence and easy access to the bathroom be more important, then stay home.

 

Fail to make up your mind, and you'll find yourself paying £10 to get into a shocking Antipodean theme bar where the screens are all showing old Aussie Rules games and the commentary is drowned out by endless Powderfinger tunes blaring out of the PA.

 

 

9. PERFECT THE PREPARATIONS

In the words of the great Sally Gunnell, "Fail to prepare, and prepare to fail."

 

If you're hosting at your gaff, get creative.

 

Don't just buy a load of ordinary beers - get a mini England v France battle going by purchasing one case of old-school bitter and one of fancy-dan continental lager.

 

At the end of the day, tot up the empties and hey presto! you've got the scoreline that really tells us which country is best.

 

 

8. BONE UP ON BONAPARTE

 

 

Historical context is all. This fixture is just the latest in a series of Anglo-French dust-ups stretching back through the mists of time.

 

While your pals will try to impress with some chat on the merits of Patrick Vieira, blow them out of the water by reeling off the career stats of the original French midfield general, Napoleon Bonaparte.

 

Did they know, for example, that the real name of the stroppy general's mistress was not Josephine but Marie-Rose de Tascher de la Pagerie?

 

Or that, far from being the stumpy dwarf of legend, he was actually 5ft 5ins tall - slightly above average height for a Frenchman in 1800?

 

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Lynam.

 

 

7. POLISH THE ARGUMENTS

Choose one of the following pub cliches and learn it off by heart:

 

A. "Forget this diamond business - you've got to pick the best four midfielders in the country, ain'tcha."

 

B. "Yeah, so Henry has the speed of a puma and can score from anywhere - but can he head the ball? Eh? Eh?"

 

C. "He's a liability, that Rooney - he'll be sent off in the first 10 minutes, just you watch."

 

D. "Them Italians - say what you like about the hair, but their shirts are the business."

 

 

6. ESTABLISH THE GROUND RULES

 

Who is in charge of the remote control?

Whose round is it next?

Do you lose your seat if you go to the toilet?

If your player from the sweepstake goes off, do you get the substitute?

 

5. DON'T PEAK TOO EARLY

The temptation will be to go out on Saturday night and, pumped with adrenaline and jangling of nerve, get battered before the main event even begins.

 

Stop. Take a deep breath. And another.

 

 

 

Don't throw it all away now. Pop yourself down on the sofa, crack open a lemonade and enjoy the gentle delights of Spain v Russia, free of expletives and anxiety.

 

This way, you can wake up on Sunday with the clear head of the truly innocent.

 

 

4. PROTECT YOUR OWN INTERESTS

Do you own a Renault? Is there a model of the Eiffel Tower in your front garden?

 

Cover them up. Hide them. Stick them in the shed.

 

Should England lose, some ape-like thug will almost certainly attempt to express his pain via the medium of violent destruction of the first French-related thing he sees.

 

Ask yourself this: are your soft cheeses safe?

 

 

3. COLLAPSE INTO PANIC

Oh my giddy aunts. We've got David James in goal! And either Ledley King or Jamie Carragher in central defence!

 

They've got Thierry Henry! And they've won the World Cup! We couldn't beat Japan!

 

 

2. GO GUNG-HO

We've got the hottest young striker in the world! And dead-eye Michael Owen! Up against the 94-year-old Marcel Desailly and Bixente Lizarazu!

 

They couldn't score a goal in the last World Cup! And the coach is so convinced they're going to lose that he'd rather manage Spurs!

 

 

1. APOLOGISE TO ALL, AND BEGIN

Man to girlfriend: "I am sorry, for I am about to shout and swear like a tramp coming off meths."

 

Woman to boyfriend: "I too am sorry, for I am about to scream like a witch in a washing-machine."

 

The talk is over. Let us begin!