My preview of the teams we'll be playing next year

[EFM The Firm, The Voice]

This is what I posted on the conference south message board

Obviously I except loads of feedback from the other supporters so the original thread with any replies is here

 

Right the problem with this site is it’s full of either witless abusers or real ale drinking scarfers – I thought I’d left all this behind when Billericay got relegated, obviously St.Albans are the best team in non-league football (I know we finished 19th but we woz robbed the league should have been sown up by November). Now apart from the obvious facts that we have the best ground, supporters and firm St.Albans is obviously the nicest place to visit in this new league. Please remember to wash before you enter and apply well in advance for your visas, we don’t just let any riff raff in:

However this is how we see the other losers in this division:

 

Basingstoke town – Voted the 9th worth place to live in the country, I feel this doesn’t do the place justice; it should be in the Top 5. Just miles and miles of duel carriageways (duel carriageways are meant to carry you out of somewhere quickly – take note!). Just outside the ground is a Toys’r’us – they sell plastic syringes in there!

 

Bishops Stortford – An ideal place to launch a mortar attack on passing planes what with it being on the Stanstead flight path but even the terrorists would prefer to stay in Kabul than go to Stortford. A vast array of fast food joints and the latest fake sportswear greet you as you leave the station where the locals can mix the latest jungle sounds with the sound of a Boeing 747.

 

bognor regis town – People from Grays will be hoping for a August away fixture and collecting tokens in the Sun as we speak, home of Butlins of course, a vast jungle of tattoos with ex-girlfriends names on and people still dancing to Whigfield. The seafront itself is a war zone of youngsters who know that this is about as good as it’s going to get.

 

Cambridge city* - Another City but nowhere as good as ours. Full of brainy rich kids whose idea of sport is a sodding boat race. Should be in the northern section.

 

Carshalton athletic – Pointless place surrounded by allotments, the ground is so run down it’s probably hard to tell the difference, people have been known to sit in Arthur’s shed watching turnips grow for 20mins before realizing. However outside the place smells of money but you’ll only see these people twitching through the windows of their 250k houses if you look different (long hair etc). It has 3 Conservative Clubs.

 

Dorchester town* - I must admit I don’t know much about this place, I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing but anywhere with a close proximity to Weymouth must have caught some of the diseases from that area. I’ll take my jabs when I visit to be on the safe side.

 

eastbourne borough* - I have a recurring nightmare about this place, I’m 89 and dribbling my kids load my wheelchair up in a orange van and take me here to die, after 75yrs of watching City I have to start watching Eastbourne. The club with the highest turnover of support, if a cure for old age came out and they kept the supporters this’ll be the best supported club in the land. Useful if you’re running late as all their games kick off at 3.01 after another one minute silence for another fan that snuffed it during the week.

 

Grays athletic* - Officially the only place in the land that has never sold a broadsheet. Even the name should give you clues; you need to be athletic as well to run from the gangs of teenage mobs. Renowned for playing a long ball game which is useful for the poor sods that live in the flats over the dugout as all that Tesco value food and subsequent lack of nourishment means their joints aren’t what they are and they can only stare straight ahead.

 

havant & waterlooville, - Rushen and Diamionds, Dagenham and Redbridge, take two shitholes and try and make them into one doesn’t change anything, in fact it just doubles it. The kind of place I expect the Chuckle Brothers to live.

 

Hayes, Those of you looking for this place please note it’s pounced ayes. I once had the misfortune of spending a night here where I heard a very fat girl (usual affair here) sat in a black XR3i (usual affair here) say to a shaven haired bloke (normal affair here) that he should of smacked him (usual affair here, not sure who he was though). Every time you visit Hayes another building has burnt down.

 

hornchurch* - If Uncles helicopter get’s in the way of me throwing coins at the keeper this year I won’t be happy. Has a running track around it which is never a good thing, most of them support West Ham as well, again not a good thing. They didn’t call themselves Upminster though, which is a good thing!

 

Lewes* Everybody knows its spelt Lewis, just because your virtually France don’t get all poncy on us!

 

Maidenhead united, - One of the oldest football grounds in the country, maybe when the contract was signed in 1850 stuff like modernization and upgrading we’re dirty words. I have known people enjoy watching the trains go pass more than Maidenheads long ball rubbish. For a place that apparently is richer than St.Albans there was nobody in the honeypot (a lapdancing place) which is outside the ground when we went, if that was here it’ll be full of City giving girls wads of cash, there were a few poor old men there though obviously living under the false pretence that the girls like them. 2 more tips – Do smash a window in the derelict houses opposite and do try and steal the roving mike and chant down it …. Actually a 3rd tip, don’t move there, it looks well dull!

 

Margate, in the early 80’s most bands were either [***!!***] or had a message in their songs, Chas’n’Dave were both, they told us to go to Margit. To this day, granted mainly people in Kent, still save up to reach their targets for daytrip to this dump. Your only tragit here should be to turn up, get 3 points and get the hell out of there. Last year they groundshared at Dover, the white cliffs become a slightly pale shade of yellow and the illegal immigration problem was non-existent on a Saturday afternoon as many just turned back , all a result of 600 Margit fans!

 

Newport county, They will obviously hate the English but like so many people in South Wales they can’t speak a word of welsh. I used to go out with a welsh girl and she told me about a welsh liberation army, hardly the IRA are they, they used to vandalize English holiday homes. I expect the entrance here to be 3 quid. They claim they are a City because the queen gave them a royal charter, what really happened was when she visited she said “get one royal charter flight the hell out of here” and some misheard her.

Ali G who stopping being popular 4 years ago recently finally reached Newport and Goldie Lookin Chain were born last year!

 

Redbridge* - Was originally a works team, now a fan’s team, was originally in Dagenham now in Barkingside, was originally Ford now Redbridge. This place has more name and location changes than a [***!!***] traveling circus, which of course it is!

 

Sutton united – Luckiest team in the league as one train trip and you’re in St.Albans. Officially has the least number of pubs in a town centre in the country, which should give you an idea of the place. Along with local rivals Carshalton form the gayest rivalry in the division.

 

thurrock* - Imagine the scene, the happiest day of you life, your getting married at the Thurrock hotel when clump a misplaced Thurrock pass land’s on your wedding dress. Thurrock is known for one thing, that shopping centre …. that isn’t going to change so why don’t you become Purfleet again. When they were Purfleet they used to play a copy of Fairground Attractions 1988 number 1 Perfect with a slight change of words (somebody may want to tell the Grays fan what it is). Officially the most depressing ground in this league.

 

welling united – I know bugger all about this place but as I put Kent and Essex on the same pedestal I know it’s a dump. Comparisons – We have a Welwyn in Herts it’s a dump, Kent sounds like [****!!****]! Enough said …. and they still bang on about a 6-0 win the London Challenge Cup about 8yrs ago; I’m presuming this was probably the last time they score over 2 goals against prestige opposition.

 

Weston-super-mare, - Every major city has a really scummy holiday resort near it where the poor go, Liverpool has Southport, Newcastle has Whitley Bay and London has Southend. Think Bristol. I have first hand experience of Weston Super Mare, I met a girl on a chat line, I was her 21st [***!!***] at the age of 19 and she already had one sprog. Last year I found I had a STD I’m laying odds it was caught here. Take condoms here (you can leave them on the beach like the locals do) and don’t do oral sex unless you like your tongue to remain, the locals don’t worry too much about this either as they grunt anyway.

 

Weymouth*- Dentists get paid a fortune to come here and work as there are so many buck toothed lovelies. In an area that is surrounded by cider farms the classless locals still insist on drinking Stella and alcopops (2-4-1 on wonder bra night) from theme pubs and places like Yates wine bar. In my absence of not knowing too much about this place please take all the previous stereotypes about seaside towns and insert them here –

 

See you next year!

 

 

 

[Mark (Flag) Braintree]

Weston-super-mare, - Every major city has a really scummy holiday resort near it where the poor go, Liverpool has Southport, Newcastle has Whitley Bay and London has Southend. Think Bristol. I have first hand experience of Weston Super Mare, I met a girl on a chat line, I was her 21st [***!!***] at the age of 19 and she already had one sprog. Last year I found I had a STD I’m laying odds it was caught here. Take condoms here (you can leave them on the beach like the locals do) and don’t do oral sex unless you like your tongue to remain, the locals don’t worry too much about this either as they grunt anyway.

 

 

The best one of the lot. <img src="/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

[YELLOW]

Thorns, any chance of doing another one of these for the new season?

[EFC_Callum]

wheres eastleiggh?

[Rob_the_Saint]

Where's Histon?

[Electric ~soul~]

What date did Thornsy make the post??

[EFC_Callum]

o [****!!****] yer!

[Rob_the_Saint]

Ahhh... thought callum was being sarcastic, should have checked, doh!

 

Eastleigh: small town near Southampton

 

Histon: even smaller town near Cambridge

[YELLOW]

There's a few new teams in there so an update would be rather interesting.

[wsmcasual]

i'd forgotten how funny that was. come on thorns let's have an updated version <img src="/forum/images/graemlins/applaus.gif" alt="" />

[EFM The Firm, The Voice]

Ok when I'm feeling a bit more creative, it's quite hard to come up with anything funny about places as anonymous as Yeading, Histon, Eastleigh and Farnborough.

[Tommy Collins]

That was an excellent piece of work there CT.

 

 

<img src="/forum/images/graemlins/chat.gif" alt="" />

 

Why not update it and email it to H+J?