Taxman with a sense of humour???

[BFR]

I've been led to believe that this letter was written by somebody at the British Inland Revenue Department and was reprinted in The Guardian (sorry Unc for the pinkos)

 

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Dear Mr Addison,

 

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.

 

I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last communication as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

 

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally have not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and puissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised.

 

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin or, come to that, a "sodding charity"". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

 

Which, brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing [***!!***]" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

 

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

 

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

 

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

 

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

 

Please forward it by Friday.

 

Yours Sincerely,

H J Lee

Customer Relations

 

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[Uncle Urchin]

ha ha...quality BFR....

 

in fact it has shades of 'the letters of henry root' about it...a fabulous read followed by

 

'the further letters of henry root'...if you guys aint read 'em...get 'em....

 

by the way BFR...dont you forget who discovered young harris..... <img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[BFR]

I've never got round to reading any Root stories, but do remember George Cole's incarnation of him in Root into Europe with fond affection.