Jokes

[Laz]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"

 

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.

 

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't

start anything."

 

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in

here."

 

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

A man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm and says: "A beer

please, and one for the road."

 

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't

much but the reception was brilliant.

 

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste

funny to you?"

 

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual too....."

 

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was

artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!"

 

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."

"are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

 

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before

[Northern Monkey]

do i detect a sense of irony in joke number 2?

[mala_D]

Is the horse-house Wobbly?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No.....it's stable!

[Claire!]

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

====

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

====

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

====

 

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

>====

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

>====

 

 

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

 

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

 

 

 

> ====

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

> ====

 

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

>====

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

> ====

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

> ====

 

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

>===

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

====

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

====

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

>====

 

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

====

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

 

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere!

[EFM's Librarian]

Claire - I think it helps if you explain that those were all things that were actually said in court cases - apparently

[Claire!]

Quote:

EFM's Librarian said:
Claire - I think it helps if you explain that those were all things that were actually said in court cases - apparently

Were they?!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!

I thought they were just silly jokes!!!!! Got them sent through to my email!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate chain emails!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can never understand them!!!!

All i seem to see is a load of email addresses and then a load of * going down the page!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Guest]

Due to the fact that Claire didn't realise that they were court transcripts ( I mean where exactly did you see the comic genius in the one-liner Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? ) and fat too much use of !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is banned until 1245

[EFM The Firm, The Voice]

Even the text message she just sent me contained 4 !'s <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

 

I'll just pop to the shop and stick you back on darling xxx

[Claire!]

LOL!!!!!!!!

 

You're horrible to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I'm back on again!!!!!

 

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!! xx

[Claire!]

All the E numbers in the bag of peanut M&M's i had for lunch have gone straight to my head and now i'm quoting, rather that editing!!!!!!!

 

Oh bring on 5 o'clock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Big J R]

Seen on a packet of peanuts........

 

[color:"red"] "ALLERGY WARNING ! This product MAY contain nuts."

 

[color:"blue"] The mind boggles Clair - The mind boggles ! [color:"black"]

[Claire!]

LOL!!!!!!!!! tell me about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Zagreus]

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in

County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly

orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows,

but serves the man three beers, which he

drinks quietly at a table, alone.

 

An hour later, the man has finished the

three beers and orders three more. This happens yet

again. The next evening the man again orders and

drinks three beers at a time, several times.

 

Soon the entire town is whispering about

the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week

later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf

of the town."I don't mean to pry, but folks around

here are wondering why

you always order three beers?"

 

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You

see, I have two brothers, and one went to

America, and the other to Australia. We promised each

other that we would always order an extra two

beers whenever we! drank as a way of keeping up

the family bond."

 

The bartender and the whole town was

pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders

Three Beersbecame a local celebrity and source of

pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that

out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

 

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders

only two beers. The bartender pours them with a

heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the

evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around

town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of

the brothers.

 

The next day, the bartender says to the man,

"Folks around here, me first of all, want

to offer condolences to you for the death of your

brother. You know -- the two beers and all..."

 

The man ponders this for a moment, then

replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two

brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided

to give up drinking for Lent."