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2004 - WHAT'S GONNA BE THE NEXT BIG THING IN ROCK,

JKiF

By JKiF
in St. Albans City Forum

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JKiF Newbie

JKiF

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Bands named after footballers are back with a vengeance.

 

First it was Pele and Eusebio as Italia 90 world cup fever gripped the world of punk, folk and country music. Now it's time to add Keane and Rooney to that auspicious list. As the world of Carling sponsored music based advertorials expands into leisure-wear branded game shows, inter-active digital carpets and laser controlled space socks, who will be the next generation of bands named after desperate premiership footballers? Here are Partizan's predictions

 

 

 

Unsworth - five fat lads from Stockton-On-Tees named after the ever lithe, young Everton defender. Unsworth sound like The Swinging Blue Jeans crossed with Sonic Youth and dress like the Strokes if the Strokes came from Stoke or indeed Stockton-On-Tees.

 

Neville - Phil, Gary, Aaron, Daz, Andy and Little Mo come all the way from Northwich. The band have several celebrity fans also called Neville including former Everton and Wales goalkeeper, Neville Southall and former Prime Minister and Nazi appeaser Neville Chamberlain. As Nev said at the band's first gig at Winsford Kwiksave carpark, "I have here up my [****!!****] a piece of paper…ah, [***!!***] it."

 

Riise - three suicidal Norwegian post-rockers whose icy atmospheric soundscapes earned them a support slot with the reformed Danny Wilson. Riise make Sigur Ross sound like the Stereophonics and have signed a 35 LP deal worth £300 with British Gas to help them expand into the lucrative Scandinavian art-rock/gas extraction scene.

 

 

 

Boy Scout Rock will grip the nation by its collective testicles.

 

As the world of indie rock rocks to a different student type rock beat these days, it's good to see bands such as British Waterways Pension Fund blowing against the grain and once again returning indie-type rock n' roll style music to its Boy Scout roots. Encouraged by the success of BWPF bands such as Welwyn's 'Baden Powell' now take to the stage in full scout regalia and sing around a campfire while their manager [****!!****]s them off. Sheffield quintet, 'Sheepshank' take a different route and actually tie knots live on stage before stripping each other off and inserting hot needles into their foreskins.

 

 

 

 

Bands that are three parts Radiohead to two parts Jeff Buckley will rule the universe

 

Yes, that's right with the success of Muse, Coldplay, Elbow and Starsailor, bands that are three parts Radiohead to two parts Jeff Buckley will join forces with bands that are three parts Jeff Buckley to two parts Radiohead in a bid to make the entire universe a musical wasteland of tortured, whining Middle Class angst.

 

 

 

R&B Will Explode Like A Load Of Cosmic Spunk From A Giant Rap Dick

 

Not content with dominating the US singles charts, the Neptunes will resurrect the careers of Martine McCutcheon, Shane Ritchie, Billy Ray Cyrus, The Rubettes, Prince, Richard Stilgoe, Oasis, St Winifred's School Choir and Sir Bob Geldof and place them at the very centre of ghetto-cool [****!!****] and [****!!****] type beats based sounds with guest rap appearances from Feat Busta Rhymes, Feat Sean Paul, Feat Jay Z and Feat Redman.

 

 

 

Art-rock and pseud-funk will merge as one giant Gap Advert

 

The Rapture, The Strokes, Missy, 2 Many DJs, Peaches, Richard X, DJ Hell and Franz Ferdinand will all sell their precious souls to advertise bland casual uniforms that the cast of Friends would wear in an episode where they all go to watch the Yeah Yeah Yeahs play in Coffee Morgue.

 

 

 

 

Scottish bands named after badly dubbed summer holiday programmes from the 70s will disappear up their own isolationist arseholes.

 

Taking their cue from Belle & Sebastian, Falkirk's 'Robinson Crusoe' and Cumbernauld's 'Flashing Blade' will refuse to release any records and will not even form a band but simply issue press releases stating that the world of pop, flute, tap and ballet is so endemically corrupt that a career in such an industry is pointless.

 

 

 

 

Hip Hop Will Begin Sampling The Sound Of Insects Mating.

 

25 years on and hip hop has run out of things to sample. Not content with ripping off 3,000 years of Punjabi folk music for a three second sample to put to a shot of some ethnically cleansed MTV babe to shake her booty to, hip hop producers return to nature. As usual Rza leads the way with his critically acclaimed quadruple LP, "Praying Mantiz."

 

 

 

 

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Laz Newbie

Laz

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I'd like to see something done about the two tramps that sell it in the city centre.

 

There's a horrible, probably smelly, old woman in the market area, and a guy with a Chelsea had outside Nat West.

 

Can we have these people removed, please?

 

I don't want to see them when I'm out shopping.

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EFM The Firm, The Voice Newbie

EFM The Firm, The Voice

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I quite like the big issue actually and wether these people smell or not I think it's everybodys basic human right to have a roof over their head and if selling the big issue helps them on the way then fair play.

 

**cue PM from Zeal to Canv and Laz about winding the pinkos up about the great unwashed**

 

As for footballing bands - Bogarde were signed a couple of years ago with a nice retainer from mega rich EMI but so far have only managed 4 tracks - all them crap!

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JKiF Newbie

JKiF

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>>having a roof is fine 'firm' but can they at least do something to help pay for it.. like pick up litter rather than sell it..? <<

 

are you for real?

so selling a product isnt doing something to pay it, instead of sponging off the state

BTW people should pick up their own litter, something lost on all generations,

normally spoilt middle class waynkers who vote tory

 

and no EFMTFTV its all too predictable

 

 

<img src="/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

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