Elsewhere in today's Sun...

[YB941 5thD EFM ~soul~]

I’VE got hold of POSH SPICE’s top-secret rap album and I’ve only one thing to say – halleluiah that it will never see the light of day.

 

On the recordings made with hip hop mogul DAMON DASH, Victoria murders THE BEATLES and massacres GEORGE MICHAEL.

 

As for her style, she has shunned EMINEM, 50 CENT and DR DRE and opted instead for the ALI G school.

 

That’s right, her inspiration is the comedy character rapper from Staines as she screeches “Aaaiiieee” through the songs.

 

Let me spell it out for you, Posh: Ali G is a SPOOF rapper.

 

The ten tracks are never likely to be released thanks to one brave soul at her record label Telstar who told her in no uncertain terms that they are rubbish.

 

But that’s not going to make me deprive you of a little nugget of the sort of torture I’ve had to endure in the past 24 hours.

 

One track in particular, which I’ve put on a phone line for your pleasure, goes under the working title Come Together and samples the distinctive riff of the legendary Beatles song of the same name.

 

John Lennon penned the classic track in 1969 and he’ll be spinning in his grave.

 

Posh launches into her first “Aaaiiieee” just a few seconds into it and she continues the howling throughout her rap.

 

Dash must have been having a right laugh when they recorded it.

 

The lyrics won’t make Eminem lose sleep either.

 

Posh barks: “Excuse me baby listen but I got a proposition, involving me and you and the love that I’ve been missing.

 

“Don’t be afraid and attempt to walk away or intimidated by the way I’m phrasing what I’m saying.

 

“I’m the kind of girl who knows what she wants, but are you the kind of guy who can give me what I want?

 

“Wait before you answer, stop and throw your hands up, this is my party and you’re the private dancer. Hey, hey baby, you’re driving me crazy, let’s get together, stay together maybe.”

 

Oh dear.

 

Other tracks on the demo album are no less embarrassing. She even samples George Michael’s Freedom for her own track, er, Freedom.

 

See below for how to sample this stuff yourself.

 

09063 660437

 

 

[Chubbhead EFM]

Oh my God! That is TERRIBLE. I thought it was a wind up, but I've just listened to it and it is crap. Not that I expected any less!

[JKiF]

You've heard the latest pile of pish from Posh but what's intriguing us at Partizan is the bit where she states, in what poor old Vicky mistakenly believes to be a horny 'phone sex' type voice, "You'll never guess what I'm doing." Hmmm! What could VB be doing exactly? Here are some suggestions:

 

* Having a bath-time spit-roast with Ronaldo and Figo.

• Washing her nan's pissy nighties in the sink with Vim.

• Plucking out her pubes one by one and attaching to them to her lip in a homesick approximation of her hubby's bumfluff muzzy.

• Compiling an alphabetical list of her favourite classical authors starting with Aeschylus.

• Covering Romeo in tomato soup and getting the cat to lick it off.

• Cutting out all the photos of herself from celebrity magazines and gluing them to a massive balloon.

• Ironing all Brooklyn's mini designer kecks whilst dressed as one of Genghis Khan's concubines.

• Carefully knitting Damon Dash a smart new rap-sweater with a likeness of Wayne Rooney on the front.

•Humping herself against the settee while her mum washes up.

•Calculating the distance between Madrid and Madagascar using only her rudimentary knowledge of geography and an abacus.

•Composing ludicrous rhyming couplets for Sophie Ellis Bextor's next single.

• Scratching her [****!!****] and then sniffing her finger.

• Designing a new Holocaust Museum for the Margate seafront.

• Watching Relocation Relocation and picking up lessons in posture from that fat bird.

• Frying an egg for the builder who's come to re-point the shed.

• Underlining the word 'smote' in the Bible every time it appears.

• Drawing a big dick and balls in dust on the back of a British Gas van.

• Balancing a small melon with a large grapefruit to see which one's heavier.

• Typing "All work and no play makes David a dull boy" thousands of times just like Jack Nicholson in the Shining.

• Writing gags for the next series of My Family.

• Practising her "I'm mad me" video faces in the mirror whilst playing Stay With Me by Shakespeare's Sister on the CD.

• Unravelling a massive ball of string and cutting into three inch lengths with a Stanley knife.

• Inflating the collapsible spare tyre on her Porsche on the hard shoulder of the M56