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[EFM The Firm, The Voice]

DECEMBER 2003

 

Santa announced yesterday that the rumours were indeed true - kids were no longer going to be receiving free presents.

 

the free presents system has been in operation for some 2000 years, but that tradition is to come to an end. The last bastion of goodwill has finally given in to market forces, and the world-state sponsored present machine is to be privatised, in order to remain competitive.

 

The new owners of the enterprise, Xmas plc, announced new plans to introduce presents fees of £10,000, to be made as a loan to the child when they are 4 years old. this will have to be paid back in instalments once over the age of 21.

 

Explaining the changes, the president of the corporation, Santa Claus XVII, said 'It is sad to see the old traditions go, but we have to move with the times. there are just so many children nowadays, and they all want the same levels of presents. There was no way we could sustain that growth in need, and so some children have had to go without in previous years. Hopefully, this dynamic change in the process of our business will enable children a greater choice in the presents they want, and more likelihood of getting an efficient, well run, and ultimately better gifts for the future.'

 

'they cant go expecting to get brilliant presents for free - if they choose those presents, then they should pay for them when they are able to. they make the choice to get better presents, but not at the expense of the tax payer for something that will benefit only the child'

 

Children who opt out of the scheme will only get basic gifts, such as a spinning top or a hula hoop. 'kids in the 1800's would have killed for either of those toys' said Santa, explaining the decision.

 

The National Union of Elves blasted the announcement, and strikes were yesterday being organised in protest. 'This is the thin end of the wedge' said Gordon the gnome, shop steward at the north pole workshop, 'this announcement is nothing more than forced indebtedness masquerading as choice - what kid will opt out of the scheme knowing that they will only get a hula hoop, when for joining they will definitely get a new playstation or a pony'

 

'we are also worried about this only being the start, with top up fees and higher loan amounts being introduced in the future'.

 

The move, was however, welcomed by city traders, and the share price rose dramatically.

 

It is believed that this startling move was made in the face of increased competition from the high street, with many people choosing to go private, rather than risk the chance of not getting what they wanted..

 

REUTERS NEWS DESK