joke thread to keep us going

[dannyriding]

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when the Ramsgate win the league."

"You crafty t£@t!" said the fairy.

 

[AncientBlue]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,

 

yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

 

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

 

 

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears.

 

You know what Martha?

 

You have been with me all through the bad times.

 

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

 

When my business failed, you were there.

 

When I got shot, you were by my side.

 

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

 

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

 

You know what Martha?'

 

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

 

 

'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck....'

 

[BlueGate Alan]

40 Things You'd Like to Say Out Loud at Work

 

1 I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

 

2 I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

 

3 How about never? Is never good for you?

 

4 I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

 

5 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

 

6 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

 

7 I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

 

8 I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

 

9 It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

 

10 Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

 

11 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

 

12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

 

13 I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

 

14 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

 

15 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

 

16 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

 

17 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

 

18 Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

 

19 What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

 

20 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

 

21 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

 

22 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

 

23 And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

 

24 Do I look like a people person?

 

25 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

 

26 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

 

27 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

 

28 If I throw a stick, will you leave?

 

29 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

 

30 Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

 

31 I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

 

32 A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

 

33 Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

 

34 Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

 

35 Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

 

36 Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

 

37 How do I set a laser printer to stun?

 

38 I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary.

 

39 Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

 

40 Oh I get it... like humour... but different.

Edited May 11, 2011 by BlueGate Alan

[Blue Banshee]

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

 

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong

 

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing

 

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice

 

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat

 

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure

[AncientBlue]

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.

 

He was chuffed to bits.

 

 

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...

 

I thought to myself, these blokes have lost the plot!!

 

 

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.

 

Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

 

 

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

 

A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,

 

But we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

 

 

 

 

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!

 

B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

 

 

 

 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

 

 

 

I start a new job in Seoul next week.

 

I thought it was a good Korea move.

 

 

 

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.

 

The birds love it!

 

 

 

 

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.

 

From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

 

 

 

Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’.

 

Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.

 

 

 

 

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

 

I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

 

 

[AncientBlue]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland ...'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

 

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

 

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

 

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

 

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

 

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

 

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going'?

 

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

 

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

 

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

 

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it?

I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

 

 

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

 

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

 

|

 

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'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'

[dannyriding]

Kate McCann has a lovely tan at the moment. I guess it's because she's been lying in the Sun all week. (tongue in cheek)

[SteveB]

How many Ward's does it take to change a lightbulb? 2. Danny to change the bulb and Jim to take the credit.

Edited May 12, 2011 by SteveB

[Blue Banshee]

play nicely boys please.....

[dannyriding]

This is an old one but if youve never heard it - will hurt your sides I guarantee :

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DcTrOb8zyrZk&h=16bb7

[dannyriding]

you can tell Im bored at work

[Jab_n17]

in the current climate.....would a balloon factory be affected by inflation ?