Inspector Jacques Clouseau Work Part 326.5

[Golden Boots]

Lots of brand new tripe for you guys, I've had my ear to the ground, and also my finger in my anus but that's another story for another time...

 

- Stansted FC manager Darran George will have plenty of cash to invest in new players following a takeover by 'Carla's Coffee' (The multi-million penny hot drink concession stand in the layby just round the corner to Stansted airport in case you didn't know). It is rumoured that Darran (with an 'A' not an 'E') has had a moment of epiphany and realised that instead of the talented hardworking squad he has assembled by himself with no help at all from Terry Spillane (refreshment technician) to break into 'The Big 4' are just not up to scratch, so he will be reverting to tried and trusted talent from his Bowers and Pitsea days, with Mike Shelley of Hullbridge a rumoured target, along with Lee Guiver and Brett Cunningham. Also with the help of international super-agent Pini Zahavi, Darran will be looking to tie up a 4 figure deal for the world-reknowned winger Taner Erdal who is currently playing for FC Astana-64 in the Kazakhstan Premier League.

 

- Bethnal Green United's board and management who have been rocked by the constant claims that they are paying gross amounts of money to their players in exchange for their footballing talent have decided to make light of the situation and in future will present the player's wages to them after games, on the pitch in the form of giant cheques usually reserved for huge fundraising events. In line with this there will be a celebrity guest at every game to make the presentation; also helping to raise the profile of the club. I understand that Essex socialite Jack Tweed will be one of the first global superstars to take part.

 

- Hullbridge FC manager Enrico Tiritera has made it his number one priority to sign Prince Summerfield. For those of you who don't know, Summerfield has recently been in the public eye for being kicked out of school for allegedly being 24 years old, and not 14 as his birth certificate shows. Given the Italian's preference for youth, and the well-used excuse in past seasons that his team has been comprised of mere babes, Summerfield seems an ideal addition, as if he performs well then club records will show his true age, but should the team falter then the age old excuse of lack of experience can be wheeled out. Perfect!

 

- 37 un-named Essex Senior League players are set to face disciplinary action following random drug tests before games over the past 2 weeks. For reasons of pride (and legal order) the players who will remain anonymous are set to face action from the ESL Players Union for bringing the game into disrepute and unprofessional behaviour after they were found to have no traces of alcohol or drugs in their system upon reporting for their respective matches. Player's rep C. Gillam said of the 37 ''Well, they're let-downs innit, proper faggots. Call themselves Senior League players? Nah, they're better off in the Ryman the clean living ponces. Can't take all that new-age hippy rubbish down here. If they're willing to take the punishment of a 48 hour bender down The Moon on the Square starting next Thursday then we might let them off''

 

- There is massive unrest at Bowers and Pitsea after it was revealed that the player's kit has been for the past 3 weeks washed in Ariel Colour non-bio, which is in clear breach of the exclusive dual-sponsorship deal signed with Daz Extra Clean and Lenor Bio, which was negotiated with 'Big' Jimmy Smith who runs the kitchen and homewares stall on Basildon market. Smith was unavailable for comment when I tried to phone him, but I have it on good authority that Colin Cook may well have to repay the full amount of £47.36 under breach of contract. This could have dire consequences for the playing staff, who with the loss of such a large income will now have to have their post-match sandwiches on medium bread instead of thick, and filled with mild cheddar, not mature.

 

Apologies for not knowing much more at this time, but I have been busy with my pet goldfish Sharky and George, who badly needed their tank cleaned.

 

Will post more when I have had a few more magic mushrooms and done some poppers.

[Hookey]

Ha Ha Ha, nice work GB.

 

 

.

Edited January 21, 2011 by Hookey

[BUFC]

Ha Ha Ha, nice work GB.

 

 

.

 

sounds more believeable than the rubbish Hoofman posts

[Ground Hopper]

Ha Ha Ha, nice work GB.

 

 

.

 

Indeed

 

 

 

sounds more believeable than the rubbish Hoofman posts

 

Which will probably turn out to be true LOL

[onebreast]

GB - is that Sharkey and George , the crime busters of the sea ?? ha ha , used to watch that every sunday morning before my junior games !

[Mark Hoffman]

Hi guys, It seems you are poking fun at me. Is bullying how you people get your kicks around here? I was bullied at school and I made a vow to never let bullies get me down.

 

Groundhopper and BUFC, you will have to forgive me but I have more respect for the snail on my doorstep this morning then you pair of snivelling brown noses. I have been a member of these fora for a few months now and neither of you have barely said a word. Be sure to come up for air won't you! Death by suffucation up Golden Boots backside would not be pleasant.

 

Golden boots, you obviously have too much time on your hands if you are able to conjure up something so far fetched and long winded. I cannot begin to tell you how bored I was reading through that nonsense, it wasn't even slightly humorous. One day you will find a girlfriend sir, just keep searching those dating websites. Having said that you will probably marry her, give her two great kids, and then she will leave you for you best mate. Maybe then you will meet another woman who you fall for equally as much and she will lose interest as well. Perhaps a life infront of the computer under an alias is the best way to avoid such heartache.

 

Hookey, as for you. Where do I start. I am yawning as I type. You are boring my friend. You have no creativity of your own to pick a fight yourself, so you champion the others who do whilst sticking the knife in yourself.

 

Chaps, If I am such a laughing stock why are non league folk flocking to fans focus or facebook merely to feed me information. I get private messages from people I have never met befriending me and asking me to pass on FACTUAL information. I have become and inigma. I wont let it go to my head but this is just the confidence booster I need following the tough times I have had in my personal life. You may think that sad, in a way I agree but it helps pass the time in which I yearn to spend with my girls. Take that into consideration before rounding on my with your pitch forks.

 

Mark

Edited January 21, 2011 by Mark Hoffman

[Golden Boots]

GB - is that Sharkey and George , the crime busters of the sea ?? ha ha , used to watch that every sunday morning before my junior games !

 

 

The very same, what a programme!

[Ground Hopper]

Hi guys, It seems you are poking fun at me. Is bullying how you people get your kicks around here? I was bullied at school and I made a vow to never let bullies get me down.

 

Groundhopper and BUFC, you will have to forgive me but I have more respect for the snail on my doorstep this morning then you pair of snivelling brown noses. I have been a member of these fora for a few months now and neither of you have barely said a word. Be sure to come up for air won't you! Death by suffucation up Golden Boots backside would not be pleasant.

 

 

 

If you do not know how to take a bit of humor then you need to chill out a bit.

 

How many of your posts have come to fruition?

[Hookey]

Hi guys, It seems you are poking fun at me. Is bullying how you people get your kicks around here? I was bullied at school and I made a vow to never let bullies get me down.

 

Groundhopper and BUFC, you will have to forgive me but I have more respect for the snail on my doorstep this morning then you pair of snivelling brown noses. I have been a member of these fora for a few months now and neither of you have barely said a word. Be sure to come up for air won't you! Death by suffucation up Golden Boots backside would not be pleasant.

 

Golden boots, you obviously have too much time on your hands if you are able to conjure up something so far fetched and long winded. I cannot begin to tell you how bored I was reading through that nonsense, it wasn't even slightly humorous. One day you will find a girlfriend sir, just keep searching those dating websites. Having said that you will probably marry her, give her two great kids, and then she will leave you for you best mate. Maybe then you will meet another woman who you fall for equally as much and she will lose interest as well. Perhaps a life infront of the computer under an alias is the best way to avoid such heartache.

 

Hookey, as for you. Where do I start. I am yawning as I type. You are boring my friend. You have no creativity of your own to pick a fight yourself, so you champion the others who do whilst sticking the knife in yourself.

 

Chaps, If I am such a laughing stock why are non league folk flocking to fans focus or facebook merely to feed me information. I get private messages from people I have never met befriending me and asking me to pass on FACTUAL information. I have become and inigma. I wont let it go to my head but this is just the confidence booster I need following the tough times I have had in my personal life. You may think that sad, in a way I agree but it helps pass the time in which I yearn to spend with my girls. Take that into consideration before rounding on my with your pitch forks.

 

Mark

 

Oh dear Mark, you really do have an inferiority complex. It never even occured to me that GB's post was a dig at you, just some light hearted satire, but then I am quite naive. For the record I've known GB personally for around 7 years and he makes these kind of posts every now and then.

 

I admit I called you a c0ck after your first post when you had a dig at Bowers, but I thought we'd kissed and made up after that and I have found your posts since to be tongue in cheek and fun to read. I warmed to you even more around the Xmas period, when I read of your marital strife whilst still being a good father. Yet you continue to insult me. Still I'll get over it...... Eventually.

 

FFS grow a pair.

 

 

 

.

Edited January 21, 2011 by Hookey

[The Gaffer from the Rock]

Lots of brand new tripe for you guys, I've had my ear to the ground, and also my finger in my anus but that's another story for another time...

 

- Stansted FC manager Darran George will have plenty of cash to invest in new players following a takeover by 'Carla's Coffee' (The multi-million penny hot drink concession stand in the layby just round the corner to Stansted airport in case you didn't know). It is rumoured that Darran (with an 'A' not an 'E') has had a moment of epiphany and realised that instead of the talented hardworking squad he has assembled by himself with no help at all from Terry Spillane (refreshment technician) to break into 'The Big 4' are just not up to scratch, so he will be reverting to tried and trusted talent from his Bowers and Pitsea days, with Mike Shelley of Hullbridge a rumoured target, along with Lee Guiver and Brett Cunningham. Also with the help of international super-agent Pini Zahavi, Darran will be looking to tie up a 4 figure deal for the world-reknowned winger Taner Erdal who is currently playing for FC Astana-64 in the Kazakhstan Premier League.

 

- Bethnal Green United's board and management who have been rocked by the constant claims that they are paying gross amounts of money to their players in exchange for their footballing talent have decided to make light of the situation and in future will present the player's wages to them after games, on the pitch in the form of giant cheques usually reserved for huge fundraising events. In line with this there will be a celebrity guest at every game to make the presentation; also helping to raise the profile of the club. I understand that Essex socialite Jack Tweed will be one of the first global superstars to take part.

 

- Hullbridge FC manager Enrico Tiritera has made it his number one priority to sign Prince Summerfield. For those of you who don't know, Summerfield has recently been in the public eye for being kicked out of school for allegedly being 24 years old, and not 14 as his birth certificate shows. Given the Italian's preference for youth, and the well-used excuse in past seasons that his team has been comprised of mere babes, Summerfield seems an ideal addition, as if he performs well then club records will show his true age, but should the team falter then the age old excuse of lack of experience can be wheeled out. Perfect!

 

- 37 un-named Essex Senior League players are set to face disciplinary action following random drug tests before games over the past 2 weeks. For reasons of pride (and legal order) the players who will remain anonymous are set to face action from the ESL Players Union for bringing the game into disrepute and unprofessional behaviour after they were found to have no traces of alcohol or drugs in their system upon reporting for their respective matches. Player's rep C. Gillam said of the 37 ''Well, they're let-downs innit, proper faggots. Call themselves Senior League players? Nah, they're better off in the Ryman the clean living ponces. Can't take all that new-age hippy rubbish down here. If they're willing to take the punishment of a 48 hour bender down The Moon on the Square starting next Thursday then we might let them off''

 

- There is massive unrest at Bowers and Pitsea after it was revealed that the player's kit has been for the past 3 weeks washed in Ariel Colour non-bio, which is in clear breach of the exclusive dual-sponsorship deal signed with Daz Extra Clean and Lenor Bio, which was negotiated with 'Big' Jimmy Smith who runs the kitchen and homewares stall on Basildon market. Smith was unavailable for comment when I tried to phone him, but I have it on good authority that Colin Cook may well have to repay the full amount of £47.36 under breach of contract. This could have dire consequences for the playing staff, who with the loss of such a large income will now have to have their post-match sandwiches on medium bread instead of thick, and filled with mild cheddar, not mature.

 

Apologies for not knowing much more at this time, but I have been busy with my pet goldfish Sharky and George, who badly needed their tank cleaned.

 

Will post more when I have had a few more magic mushrooms and done some poppers.

 

 

:applaus: The banter is back!!!

[Mark Hoffman]

Hookey - maybe I have overreacted yet again. Added 2 + 2 and got 5. I shouldn't have insulted you. Thank you for your thoughts and kind words about my parenting.

 

Groundhopper - I have correctly foreseen that Sherwin Stanley would join The Millers, that there was unrest behind the scene at Bowers, That Basildon Utd would go bust, Witham Town are paying ludicrous amounts of money to their players, Southend Manor player will join Southend Utd and that Heybridge approached Burnham for the servcies of their manager which the Burnham manager turned down.

[Ground Hopper]

 

Groundhopper - I have correctly foreseen that Sherwin Stanley would join The Millers, that there was unrest behind the scene at Bowers, That Basildon Utd would go bust, Witham Town are paying ludicrous amounts of money to their players, Southend Manor player will join Southend Utd and that Heybridge approached Burnham for the servcies of their manager which the Burnham manager turned down.

 

Since when has Basildon gone bust? - last time I looked they were in the Essex Senior League.

[Mark Hoffman]

It is not public knowledge yet. They have a gagging order which is preventing the Echo from running the scoop. The ESL have agreed to let them continue playing as proposals are in place for a mystery backer to settle debts and save the club.

[Sorry]

Mark sorry to disappoint you but Heybridge never offered me the job - but you are correct I would have turned it down as I am happy at Burnham.

[Mark Hoffman]

Sorry, We all know how this works and we understand you need to make these statements in public to save face. It seems you are a good young manager who is in demand, Burnham are lucky to have you.

[Basil-Don]

It is not public knowledge yet. They have a gagging order which is preventing the Echo from running the scoop. The ESL have agreed to let them continue playing as proposals are in place for a mystery backer to settle debts and save the club.

 

just to clarify things there are no debts at Basildon United,the club doesnt owe a penny to anyone,watch you dont over step the mark wont you cheers.

[BUFC]

One day you will find a girlfriend sir, just keep searching those dating websites. Having said that you will probably marry her, give her two great kids, and then she will leave you for you best mate. Maybe then you will meet another woman who you fall for equally as much and she will lose interest as well.

 

 

 

 

you are obviously talking from experience..... the Uncle Albert of the dating websites

[phillip hart]

sorry heybridge did offer you the job and you turned them down, i no this has a fact but the rest of what mark wrote im not sure about.

[Sorry]

Philip - I can safely say that I had no communication with Heybridge over the managers job. I'm sure if they did approach the club then I would have been told.

 

If you know this for a fact please let me know where from