A WHITER SHADE OF PALE

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Remember the good old days when paint came in three colours; white, cream and grey and all you could get was emulsion, vinyl or gloss. Well, thanks to all those [***!!***] home improvement programmes there's been a paint revolution and now you can buy thousands of disgusting shades. They all have ridiculous names and come all kinds of textures and finishes; flat matt, eggshell, mid-sheen, suede and shimmer. It's obvious the people at Paint Central have a hoot making up ever more ludicrous names for the ever-expanding universe of paint shades. Browsing through the latest Crown brochure - over 265 fantastic colours featured inside - it soon became obvious that there are themes running through this naming strategy:

 

 

Colours That Sound Like Porn Stars

 

Amber Glow

Misty Rose

Dawn Mist

Ivory Pearl

Honey Cream

Sugar Bay

Blue Mosel

Deep Ivy

Cherry Bomb

Clarity

Chelsea Green

 

Colours That Sound Like Class A Drugs

 

Laughter

Old English White

Tibetan Gold

China Cup

Biscuit

Seventh Heaven

Purple Heart

Bliss

Mellow Sage

 

Colours That Sound Like A Bad Romantic Novel

 

Paper Lantern

Moonlight Bay

Mount Fuji

Full Moon

Thistledown

Blue Splendour

 

Colours That Sound Like A New Calvin Klein Perfume

 

Honesty

Sanctuary

Parchment

Couture

Elegance

Honour

 

Colours That Sound Like A 70s Prog Band

 

Lazy Daisy

Megan's Bay

Crème Brulee

Pecan Pie

Burnt Umber

Utopia

Toasted Almond

Soft Steel

Velvet Plum

 

Colours That Sound Like A Thrills Record

 

San Fernando

Wildwood

Gentle Yellow

Grand Canyon

California Rays

 

Colours That Sound Like A Blaxploitation Actor

 

Coconut Frost

Ghost

Black Cherry

Chocolate Suede

Emperor Gold

Chalky Pink

Parsonage Cream

 

Colours That Sound Like Ikea Products

 

Flagon

Kazbah

Smock

Waffle

 

Colours That Sound Like Italian Art House Directors

 

Biscotti

Zinnia

Capri

Rosti

 

Colours That Sound Like Illegal S&M Practices

 

Edwardian Blush

Rubber Duck

Porcelain Bowl

Soap Stream

Bath Time

Golden Cognac

Gingersnap

Lemon Squash

Spice Rack

 

Colours That Defy All Rational Explanation

 

Morning Wealth

Hip Hip Hooray

Pancake Day

 

You can play this game at home - simply walk into your nearest B&Q and grab a handful of the latest paint brochures and away you go! Think up some yourself and send them to:

 

The Paint Naming Authority

London