DO IT YOURSELF

[ESG]

BBC DRAMA SERIES WITH

'MAL'S MAGIC SCRIPT-O-MATIC' ™

 

Mal's Magic Script-o-matic is an ingenious contraption that has revolutionised British drama. Now Mal Young is offering other dramatists the chance to own their very own Magic Script-o-matic, the very same machine that has extracted millions of pounds worth of commissions from desperate BBC executives, convinced that identikit dramas will pull in decent ratings. For an amazing price of £10,000 (to be paid in a one-off deposit of £9,999 and one instalment of £1 after one year) you too can become a primetime colossus.

 

Simply feed the following information into the magic Script-o-matic's computer like brain and turn the big handle on the side. Five minutes later a complete script will be squeezed from it's metallic [****!!****] which you can then send off to :

 

Head of BBC Drama

The BBC

London

 

Title:

 

Waterbeat, Vetfront, Cardiac City, Cliffwatch, Double Yellows

 

Occupations:

 

Bizzies, doctors, nurses, squaddies, vets, mountain rescue teams, lifeboatmen, traffic wardens, NCP Car Park attendants

 

Stock Characters:

 

Ambitious, feisty female with embittered husband and neglected young children in tow,

Hard-bitten cynical timeserver routed in the past,

Sexist, macho bully about to get his comeuppance

Impressionable, cute fresher with much to learn

Dashing, maverick senior male patriarch of an ambiguous sexual nature,

Man eating, lusty female sleeping her way to the top,

Token, non-threatening gay and black characters dealing with prejudice with a world weary air.

 

Dialogue:

 

'It's either me or the job, you choose!'

'I'll give her a week, tops!'

'Remember what happened at last year's karaoke?'

'It's quiet, too quiet!'

'Are you some kind of women's libber?'

'Ok, Ok, I've got a drink problem, there, I've said it!'

'If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right!'

'That's not what you said last night!'

'Right, I've had enough, you can stick your job, I resign!'

'Y'know underneath that tough exterior you're just a big old softy'

'Get me wet you boss eyed [******]'

 

Episode Titles:

 

24 Hours From Tuebrook

The Wasteland

Salad Days

Dog Eat Dog

Snakes & Ladders

Last Man Standing

Me & Mine

Gulag Archipelago

The Turtle's Head

Desperately Sucking Susan

Will This Do?

 

Actors:

 

Her from Corry

Him from Brooky

Her from Holby

Him from Emmerdale

Her from The Bill

Him from Hollyoaks

Her from [******] Antics 4

Him from the Toilet Duck advert

Lesley Ash

 

The Mal Young Script-o-meter is guaranteed for at least 3 series before even BBC commissioning editors get fed up of constant media carping about dull and formulaic dramas…. but by this time you'll have pocketed a considerable wedge and can return back home to your native city where you will be honoured as a local success story and awarded an honorary degree and a six figure objective one salary as a hotshot consultant to the council.

 

[CANV EFM]

nice one...