lets have a laugh and put this on the wrong forum

[whatsthepoint]

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made

to their passengers....

 

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.

I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be

married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the

Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

 

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering

from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let

you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

 

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is

that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time.

The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford

and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

 

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the delay, but there is a

security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for

the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time

'Ten green bottles hanging on the wall.....'."

 

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street station... As you can

see, Baker Street station is closed. It would have been nice if they had

actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think

about things like that".

 

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these

professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a

registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

 

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver

announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,

ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

 

 

 

8] "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ..) "Oh go on then,stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

 

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with

'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate

instructions."

 

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that

some idiot has jammed his bags into the doors."

 

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the

door."

 

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat tr ying to get on the

second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you

understand?"

 

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please

move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal

message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the

train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away

from the door before I come down there and shove them up your backside sideways!"

 

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking

allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a

joint, it's only fair that you pass it round to the rest of the carriage."

 

[Hookey]

Been done mate, in the Laughter Forum!!!