Old tenant success reported- wtt Braintree forum

[venturer]

A new owner enters a Football Club.

New owner: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(City Old School does not respond.)

New owner: 'Ello, Miss?

City Old School: What do you mean "miss"?

New owner: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

City Old School: We're closin' for lunch.

New owner: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Football Club what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very athletics emporium.

City Old School: Oh yes, the, uh, the City Claret ... What's, uh ... What's wrong with it?

New owner: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, me laddo. It's broke, that's what's wrong with it!

City Old School: No, no, it's uh, ... it's a sleepin' giant.

New owner: Look, matey, I know a broke Football Club when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

City Old School: No, no, it's not broke, it's a, it's a sleepin' giant! Remarkable Club, the City Claret, isn't it, ay? Beautiful badge!

New owner: The badge don't enter into it. It's bust.

City Old School: No, no, no, no, no, no! It's sleeping!

New owner: All right then, if it's sleepin', I'll wake it up! (shouting at the pitch) 'Ello, Mister City Claret! I've got a lovely fresh wad of cash for you if you win a game ...

(City Old School throws a ball onto the pitch)

City Old School: There, it scored!

New owner: No, it didn't, that was you throwing a ball onto the pitch!

City Old School: I never!!

New owner: Yes, you did!

City Old School: I never, never did anything...

New owner: (yelling at the pitch repeatedly) 'ELLO CITY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your 'just two wins in nine league games' alarm call!

(Takes a flamethrower to the running track. Hits stand with a sledgehammer)

New owner: Now that's what I call a broke Football Club.

City Old School: No, no ... No, it's stunned!

New owner: STUNNED?!?

City Old School: Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was wakin' up! City Clarets stun easily, sir.

New owner: Um ... now look ... now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That Football Club is definitely without funds, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of recent victories was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged campaign in the Ryman League.

City Old School: Well, it's ... it's, ah ... probably pining for the good old days at, er, ... Billericay.

New owner: PININ' FOR THE GOOD OLD DAYS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall straight into debt the moment I got in to the ground?

City Old School: The City Claret prefers dicin' with administration and liquidation! Remarkable Club, isn't it, squire? Lovely badge!

New owner: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Football Club when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been remaining at the top of the table for so long in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

City Old School: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that Football Club down, it would have sunk faster than a City title push or a cruise ship hitting an iceberg. WHOOOSH!

New owner: "WHOOOSH"?!? Mate, this Football Club wouldn't "whooosh!" if you put four thousand gallons of petrol on its running track and took a match to it! It's bleedin' had it!

City Old School: No, no! It's pining!

New owner: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This Football Club is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet it's maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of cash, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the top of the table in October it'd be holding up the rest of 'em! It's metabolic processes are now 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked its last penalty, it's shuffled off its mortal coil, run round its running track and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-FOOTBALL CLUB!!

(pause)

City Old School: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and, uh, we're right out of Football Clubs.

New owner: I see. I see, I get the picture.

City Old School: I've got Bishop's Stortford.

(pause)

New owner: Pray, will it challenge for promotion?

City Old School: Nnnnot really.

New owner: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

City Old School: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

New owner: Well.

(pause)

City Old School: (quietly) D'you, er, ... want to put it into administration then?

New owner: (looks around) Yeah, all right then.