O/T Pre-match fun

[Cookie]

The Spider

Poke and prod the spider with your mouse, also 'grab' one of its legs with your mouse and drag it around the screen. Tell me it's not alive!

Also, anywhere on the map put the cursor and then hit the space bar and it leaves little bugs.

Watch the spider go after them and when she catches them they disappear. Enjoy!

 

http://www.onemotion.com/flash/spider/

 

[Cookie]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

-----------------------

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

------------------------

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

-----------------------

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

---------------------------

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

------------------------

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

---------------------------

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

----------------------------

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

---------------------------

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

--------------------------

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

--------------------------

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

----------------------------

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

--------------------------------

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

--------------------------

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

------------------------------

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

----------------------

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

-------------------------

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

------------------------

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

---------------------------

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

--------------------------------

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

--------------------------------

 

I know!.. You've heard them all before...but have you?

 

[Cookie]

Kids are quick!

 

TEACHER: John,why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

 

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________

 

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

 

TEACHER: Winnie,name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

 

TEACHER: Glen,why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well,I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

 

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

 

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

 

__________________________________

 

I know...you've heard them all before...but have you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Cookie]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years?" "Well,they've gone".

 

"No more headaches?" the husband asks,

"What happened?"

 

His wife replies, "Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat,

"I do not have a headache"

"I do not have a headache"

"I do not have a headache"

 

"Well,it worked ! The headaches are all gone."

 

"Well,that is wonderful" proclaims the husband.

 

His wife then says, "You know,you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years,why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that ?"

 

Reluctantly,the husband agrees to try it.

 

Following his appointment,the husband comes home,rips off his clothes,picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move,I'll be right back."

 

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

 

His wife says, "WOW! - that was wonderful!"

 

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

 

He goes back into the bathroom,comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

 

The wife sits up and her head is spinning "OH MY GOD" she proclaims.

 

Her husband again says, "Don't move,I'll be right back."

 

With that,he goes back in the bathroom.

 

This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying ....

 

"She's not my wife"

"She's not my wife"

"She's not my wife"

 

His funeral service will be held Saturday.

[Cookie]

.........................NOW THEN.............................

 

Has anyone we know got a Birthday today!!...PLEASE!!

 

Come on,anyone will do!!

[I am Spartacus]

Originally Posted By: Cookie

.........................NOW THEN.............................

Has anyone we know got a Birthday today!!...PLEASE!!

Come on,anyone will do!!

Will James Maskell do he is 25 today.

[Andy .]

My little Nephew Alfie is 5 today so that makes 2 with birthdays . up the Gate .

[StuyRandall]

i got offered an interview today... will that do?