Football Chants...

[The Hovis Kid]

A drunken train journey from Lands End brought about many different conversations including one about football chants; it has just come back into my head! We began discussing new chants and came up with two

[windsorian]

Like the seeds one.

Joy division now theres a band!!!

[Giant Reed]

To the tune for copacabana:

 

They call him Porter,

Benjamin Porter,

you won't see a striker much shorter.

 

They call him Porter,

Benjamin Porter.

 

His appearances rationed,

but scoring's his passion,

he's Ben Porter!

 

He's not a show girl.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Giant Reed]

To the "wonder of you"

 

How many times have we gone to the clubhouse,

and found the beer has all run dry?

 

The club shops always shut now,

the burgers are still alive.

 

But we're always there,

to shout and swear,

 

We just drink more when we lose.

 

That's the Windsor,

the Windsor for you!

[Hud Hastings]

Beaten, you indeed have hiddent talents - very good efforts that will take some bettering, however here's a ditty from me but can't for the life of me remember what the songs called but Sheff Utd have a version

 

For a pint of crap lager in the Terry Hall clubhouse

 

And a ropey old burger that will give you the sh*ts

 

We'll be there at Stag Meadow to cheer on the Royalists

 

Oh Windsor & Eton come thrill me again

[Giant Reed]

It doesn't rhyme or scan though!

 

In fact,it doesn't work on any level!

 

Stick to the cheap jibes Burton-Groves.

 

You ain't no song writer!

[Woody SUFC]

What about the Broadley song that got a re-airing last night on the train!?

 

I have audio of it too but its not great quality....

 

 

[The Hovis Kid]

Windsore & Beaten, 2 quality football themed pop songs. Could be fantastic if heard at Stag Meadow... So there we have it 4 so songs or so, will be hearing them at the coming games?

[Woody SUFC]

Not windsor but still good

 

Liverpudlian Rhapsody (to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody)

 

Is this our Stevie?

Captain of LFC?

Arrested in Southport

All caught on CCTV.

Open "The Sun"

It's there on Page One, you'll see.

I'm just a Scouser

I need some sympathy

Because I'm Huyton-born, Huyton-bred

Once a Blue, now a Red.

Whatever the truth is, doesn't really matter to me ... to me

 

[Piano: Dumm di dum dum, dumm di dum dum]

 

Rafa! It's Stevie here.

I've just t*watted a DJ

And they've taken him away.

Rafa, we were four points clear

But now I fear we'll throw it all away!

Rafa! Ooooooooooh.

Didn't mean to make you sigh

If I'm not back in time to play at Preston Tinker on, tinker on,

My career is all in tatters....

 

[Piano: Dum di dum di dum, dum di dum di dum]

 

Too late! It's Walton Jail.

I don't think that I can cope

I can't bend down for the soap.

Goodbye everybody - I've got to go

Gotta leave the Kop behind and face the Bench.

Rafa! Ooooooooooo! (Anyway the [****!!****] blows) Don't wanna go to jail

I sometimes wish I'd never joined Liverpoo-ool!

 

[Piano, guitar and stuff]

 

I see a little silhouetto of Hamman

There's more dosh, there's more dosh if I sign for Man City

Joining such a [****!!****] team very very fright'ning me

 

Calling Barry

(It's Rick Parry)

Calling Barry

(It's Rick Parry)

Calling Barry! Magnific-o-o-o-o

 

I'm just a poor boy from a Scouse family

He's just a poor boy from a Scouse family

Spare him his job says Coach Sammy Lee

 

Piano: Tinkle, tinkle tinkle

 

Easy come easy go! Will you let me go? It's me, La!

No! We will not let you go!

(Let him go!) It's me, La! We will not let you go!

(Let him go!) It's me, La! We will not let you go!

(Let me go!) Will not let you go!

(Let me go!) Will not let you go! (Let me go) Ah

No no no no no no!

Rafa! Sammy! Rafa! Sammy! Rafa! Sammy! Get me out!

A Big-House con has a shower set aside for me! For meee!

 

For meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

 

[big Guitar Riff]

 

So you think you can say my career's in decline!

So you think you can say that my kids are not mine!

Oh DJ! Can't do this to me DJ!

Just gotta get out! Just gotta get right outta here!

 

[More guitar and then the slow bit]

 

My careers in tatters

Anyone can see

Nothing really matters! Nothing really matters to me!

 

Anyway the [****!!****] blows!

 

[Hud Hastings]

Woody that is quality!!!

[Hud Hastings]

A tad harsh with the criticism Mr Beaten - just because you look like Louis Walsh you don't have to start acting like him!!

Just for that I'm not going to sing it on Saturday now!

[Giant Reed]

You're a drunken yobbo Burton-groves.

 

Of course you will sing it on Saturday.

 

As for me, i have already started intensive rehearsals,so that i can sing Woody's song on Saturday.

[windsorian]

Windsore you have a gift for football chant writing which has to be said is good. but your behaviour towards Burton-Groves is deplorable, I would hate to have to praise you and kick your ***

on the same day.

[Hud Hastings]

Thank you Windsorian, that Beaten fellow is nothing but a bully

[Giant Reed]

Windsorian;

 

Your threat to kick me up the 'arris has left me feeling, quite frankly,terrified and unable to sleep!

However,the rest of your missive touched my heart,and accordingly i have decided to stop insulting Burton-Groves.

After all,insulting him is like attacking a bunny rabbit.

A horribly disfigured,alcoholic,narcissistic bunny rabbit with borderline psychotic tendencies.

But a bunny rabbit nonetheless.

 

Moreover,if you are determined to carry out your wholly unwarranted attack on my nether regions,i feel it is my duty to inform you of the following facts;

 

I have,on occasion;

 

-Set fire to my own face whilst attempting to disprove the theory of spontaneous human combustion.[incidentally,this is how I first met Burton-Groves,in casualty.He had almost strangled himself to death whilst attempting to put his tie on!]

 

-Taken on,and beaten,a member of the much feared ICF at arm wrestling. And i mean the real ICF,the international confederation of felt tip pen manufacturers.

 

-And brazenly taunted a buffalo whilst at a safari park in Luton,Beds

 

SO DO YOUR WORST,WINDSORIAN!

[windsorian]

Windsore quality post,havent laughed so much in ages

[Hud Hastings]

Et tu Windsorian!

However I must point out that this verbally flatulent braggart is being somewhat delusionary in his recounting of these particular incidents.

It is true that we met in casualty where he had indeed set himself alight but I was there as his counsellor after it emerged that the accident occured as this poor misguided creature, who it transpired idolised Michael Jackson,had set his afro wig on fire in a bizarre re-enactment of the "Thriller" video.

Though we tried to rehabilitate him,he then became obsessed with Doctor Dolittle hence his tendenecy to roam around safari parks,ponds,pet shops,Trafalgar Square,Ascot races,et all, attempting to converse with various types of wildlife,fortunately he now has an ASBO that prevents this behaviour but he blames me for his failings and is now using this erstwhile forum as a vessel to vent his considerable spleen - it was a good win in the arm wrestling though!

[Giant Reed]

That thing with the swan was never proven though!