The Joke thread

[Cookie]

 

THE WEDDING TEST

 

I was a very happy man.My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

 

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 

Well,I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

 

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

 

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

 

Lo and behold, her entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

 

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.Welcome to the family.'

 

And the moral of this story is: ........

 

Always keep your condoms in your car!.

[Wellsie]

Good start to the day Cookie!

[Mini Goose]

I know a joke,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Billericay Town F.C

[Greg_Dyke]

Are you Joe Pasquale ?

 

[Miss.A.F.C.Hornchurch]

goosey..... behave!

[Cookie]

There's a moral in here somewhere!

 

A fleeing Taliban,desperate for water,was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object,only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water.Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man," it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles,you will find a lovely restaurant.It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

 

"Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

[Cookie]

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION...

 

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset --

 

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'

 

And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

 

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!!

 

And the husband began --

 

 

'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days !

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

 

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,

which you don't use because I don't have good taste.

I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas - the one that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'

 

The husband took a quick breath and continued -

'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

 

 

[Cookie]

Not a joke but have included it in this thread anyway.

Who said MOBILES aren't dangerous.

 

http://www.blogticino.ch/static_page.php?id=2025

 

Now if they do this to popcorn,what are they doing to your kid's brain?

[Cookie]

FAMOUS PAINTING STOLEN

 

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

 

After careful planning,he got past security,stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

 

However,he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

 

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied,

"Monsieur,this is the reason I stole the paintings.

 

I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh"

 

See if you have De Gaulle to tell this to someone else.

 

I posted this because I figured I had nothing Toulous

 

(There were pictures of the actual artistes mentioned above but I am unsure as to how to transfer them to here,sorry.)

 

[Cookie]

It HAD to come....

 

............................BEER.................................

 

Now cheaper than Petrol.

 

........................"DRINK DON'T DRIVE".......................

[Fanet Blu]

Why are pirates called pirates???

 

 

 

 

Because they arrrrrrrrrrr....

[Cookie]

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person put it in another.......... and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

 

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person put it in another........... and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

 

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person put it in another.......... and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

 

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an rs'hole out of Scotland put him in 10 Downing Street............ and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours!

 

 

[Cookie]

USA JAIL - SOME INTERESTING READING

TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO, HE IS THE MARICOPA COUNTY SHERIFF (ARIZONA)

AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

 

These are some of the reasons why:

 

Sheriff Joe Arpaio created the 'tent city jail' to save Arizona from spending tens of millions

of dollars on another expensive prison complex.

 

He has jail meals down to 20 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.

 

He banned smoking and pornographic magazines in the jails, and took away their weightlifting

equipment and cut off all but 'G' movies.

 

He says: 'They're in jail to pay a debt to society not to build muscles so they

can assault innocent people when they leave.'

 

 

 

He started chain gangs to use the inmates to do free work on county

and city projects and save taxpayer's money.

 

Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.

 

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required

 

cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again but only allows the Disney channel and the weather channel.

 

When asked why the weather channel, he replied: 'So these morons will know how hot it's

 

gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.'

 

He cut off coffee because it has zero nutritional value and is therefore a waste of taxpayer money.

 

When the inmates complained, he told them, 'This isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back.'

 

He also bought the Newt Gingrich lecture series on US history that he pipes into the jails.

When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a

democratic lecture series that actually tells the truth for a change would be welcome and

that it might even explain why 95% of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.

 

With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new

record for June 2nd 2007), the Associated Press reported: About 2,000 inmates living in a

barbed wire surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission

to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.

 

 

 

On the Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing pink boxer shorts were overheard chatting in the tents,

where temperatures reached 128 degrees. 'This is hell. It feels like we live in a furnace,' said Ernesto Gonzales,

an inmate for 2 years with 10 more to go. 'It's inhumane.'

 

Joe Arpaio, who makes his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic.

'Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for parole, only to go out

and commit more crimes so they can come back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things many

taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.'

 

The same day he told all the inmates who were complaining of the heat in the tents:

'It's between 120 to 130 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too,

and they have to walk all day in the sun, wearing full battle gear and get shot at,

and they have not committed any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!'

 

Way to go, Sheriff! If all prisons were like yours there would be a lot less crime and we

would not be in the current position of running out of prison spaces.

 

Sheriff Joe was just re-elected as Sheriff in Maricopa County, Arizona.

 

 

Thats the way to do it!!!

[MargateFan]

This isn't a joke, but it's pretty funny:

 

http://view.break.com/353649

[Cookie]

No Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What were you thinking?

 

Hellooooooo,her husband speaks English!

 

 

[JeremyJacobs]

Originally Posted By: Cookie

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person put it in another.......... and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person put it in another........... and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person put it in another.......... and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an rs'hole out of Scotland put him in 10 Downing Street............ and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours!

Nice one Cookie. After the next election of course, Labour wont even exist

[Cookie]

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

 

All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

 

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

 

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

 

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.

 

'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

 

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

 

Just then they came upon another cave.

 

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,

 

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer.

 

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside..

 

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

 

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.

 

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,

 

'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.

 

There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

 

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might

 

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

 

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

 

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!