Air Traffic Control

[AncientBlue]

Appologies if you have seen this before, but it amused me.

 

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

 

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

 

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

 

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:

 

"I'm f...ing bored!"

 

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

 

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

 

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...

 

I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

 

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

 

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

 

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

 

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

 

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

 

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7."

 

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

 

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

 

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger;

and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

 

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

 

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

 

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. The frequency then fell terribly silent, as nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit was running high until an unknown pilot broke the silence, asking:

 

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

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AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

 

The German air-traffic controllers at Frankfurt Airport are

renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

 

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

 

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

 

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

 

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

 

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

 

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

 

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark and I didn't land."

 

[Tony_T]

Old, but still marvellously hilarious! Thank you AB!!