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The Legendary Urchin Templars.

Uncle Urchin

By Uncle Urchin
in Hornchurch Forum

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Uncle Urchin Newbie

Uncle Urchin

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A brief narrative.

 

Many myths surround the location of the Templars' first headquarters on the banks of the Ingerbourne which had been assigned to them by Richard the Lionheart and decreed by his cousin King Baldwin II of Jerusalem. The Urchin Templars held a citadel there peacefully for 75 years until rampaging lowlands invaders from the ancient diocese of Graysville lay seige to the site only for the Templars to fight back from the jaws of defeat and banish the invaders forever. Many have tried to take the site since but all are defeated and sent scurrying back to their warrens and dungholes. To this day interlopers from the North attempt to infiltrate the Holy Urchin Order but are clearly identified by the Pretorian Guards on Hasbeen Hill, by their plastic primark trainers and 15 fingers on the right hand, these people from the desert plains of history disappear never to be seen again.

 

Urchin Templars take much pride in protecting the Grail during such conflicts and legend has it that in one particular 14th Century conflict, The Temple Leader at that time, Sir Mentalisticius of Easterhuise is widely believed to have stashed the relic in a local pawn shop to protect it. Sadly it remained their undiscovered for several hundred years. The interest was of course paid.

 

The Ingerbourne Temple is sacred ground to all people from all walks of life who have been welcomed there over the centuries except of course the Babarian Rumatoids from the North of the County of Essex. They are the misfits of History and are not welcomed anywhere and indeed Lord Daggarthur of Bronxville mentioned these wild and strange creatures in his historical tomb We Used To Be Massive published in 1846 and in its time a bestseller. Sadly no longer available due to lack of interest, very few copies of this book exist.

 

The Holy Ingrebourne site is believed to be the location of the last resting place of the Holy Grail stolen from Solomon's Temple by Arch Duke Bluthnoturchin of Urchinerea during the sacking of the Holy Mount Temple by the Urchingoths in 1234 AD. Pseudo-historical books such as The Holy Pikey Chronicles and The Broken Dreams Of Brooklands claim that the Templars discovered and stole documents hidden in the ruins of the Temple, "proving" that Jesus survived and was married to Sally MagdalaniusUrchinious and had children by her. He was of course mostly busy scoring goals as indeed his ancestors of the same name now score goals for the Urchin Templars. Nonetheless these ancient scrolls remain hidden to the outside world and are widely believed to rest with the grail in the catacombes beneath the Ingrebourne Temple.

 

Legend also suggests that the Urchin Templars must have found something under the Temple Mount and this lies at the heart of most Templar legends and pseudo-historical theories. There is no physical or documentary evidence, however, to support such a supposition although it is likely that the modern day successors to the Divine leaders of the Urchin Church do actually have their roots and bloodlines hidden deeply in the Urchin Faith and its Holy Ingrebourne Temples. It is true that they are documented as having carried a flag with the Urchin Owl on its crest into some battles. Many references to the powers of the Urchin Templars can be found in the 16th Century book Romford A Disappearing World published by Scoup, Stoop Lowe & Sons and available at all good Romford car boot sales for 10p.

 

Some sources claim that the Urchin Templars discovered secrets of the Masons who had built the original at the Temple Mount in Jersualem and copied the plans for the second Temple at the Ingrebourne, along with knowledge that the Urchin Ark had been moved to Hullbridge before the destruction of the first temple. Allusion to this is made in engravings on the Cathedral at Upminster. Great influence was exercised over the building of the Upminster Cathedral by The Great Pontiff, Bernard of Urchinvaux, the Order's patron. Further links to both the search by the order for the Ark and to its discovery of ancient secrets of building are supposedly suggested by the existence of the monolithic Pizza Hut building in Hall Lane Upminster, which stands to this day but whose construction is incorrectly attributed to the Knights Templar. As it collapses on a regular basis it is thought most likely that menial itinerate Rumatoid slaves actually constructed the building. Further legend suggest that the much discussed, missing £50,000 from the Ancient Order Of The Rumatoid Social Club Coffers was actually buried on the site in the Arc, no clear proof exists but it is believed that Lord BurberyVille of GoodUrchius left damning evidence regarding this treacherous episode in NL history with NetticusUrciniusVampious, the Urchin Templars keeper of the dark secrets..

 

Some scholars, such as Hugh J. Urchinfield, and other fringe researchers argue that the Urchin Templars may have found the Copper Scroll treasure of Ancient Isthmanius Leagueius in the tunnels beneath the Ingrebourne Temple Mount. They suggest that this might explain why the Urchins today possess magical qualities in the Isthmian Leagues and carry all before them. The access to these tunnels is known only to one person, Lord MinimusUrchinusTerrius who will pass the secret access codes down from generation to generation.

 

Mysterious disappearances of the Order's enemies are common place in modern day Urchin Templar Legend. All who oppose the Urchin Templars mysteriously disappear, and legend suggests that all enemies of the Urchin Templars shall be damned for all eternity in the raging fires of Sungate.

 

The last Grand Master of the Urchin Templar Order, Lord Unclius Urchinius de Molar,was granted sainthood by order of the Great Grand Sire King Philippus Urchinius IV of France in 1276 AD and thereafter a long line of Urchins carrying the Holy Bloodlines and the Urchin faith have maintained a vigil on the Ingrebourne Mount over the Holy Grail. Watched over by the sacred Eagle Owl It is thought by scholars and experts on ancient vesselry as an ideal place to conceal such treasure as there are so many cups and trophies in the Temple its impossible to make them all out.

 

grin

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Mr Happy Contributor

Mr Happy

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This is mostly historically accurate. However, I would like to correct you on one issue contained in the first paragrapgh. Sir Mentalisticius of Easterhuise did not stash the relic in a pawn shop. It was a porn shop as it was well known that this depraved individual was well into the seduction of young girls and taking them on day and over night trips to discrete marshalnd areas on the promise that they might just catch a glimpse of a tiny pecker or two! grin

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