as someone said

[ESG]

"Think 80's sportswear, think Royal Tenenbaums, think Wimbledon circa 81for Spring/Summer 2003". Think for your [censored] selves. All the glossy men's magazines have declared that the retro 80's sportswear look is going to be, er…well, the look this summer. Ironic mullets replaced by ironic McEnroe perms in an apartment loft in Hoxton near you now. Expect Victoria to be driving David to 'Cuts' in Soho just in time for the beginning of the 2003/04 season. Headbands and sweatbands optional, I assume.

 

Shoreditch celebrates the 21st anniversary of the first sighting of a Fila BJ in its environs. Back then it was being worn by council flat urchins playing football in Shoreditch Park. We used to play Sergio v Fila, Tottenham versus West Ham, trackie tops for goalposts. Who'd have thought it? It does however give the fashion editors carte blanche to inform us what trainer to wear and the fashion houses carte blanche to design something they laughingly call a training shoe. One magazine this month announced on its cover: "We tried on 54 pairs of trainers, so you don't have to". 54 pairs - I wouldn't have been seen dead in 52 of them. They're all at it! Armani, DKNY, Nicole Farhi, Prada etc etc. Known as hybrids, mutants, or God forbid sneakers these shoes are, to a man (and I assume this is a man thing) crap. If I want a pair of brown shoes with white laces I'll buy a pair of Camper when I'm on mi hols in Spain and put in an old pair of laces from a pair of battered Stan Smiths.

 

Slightly, but only slightly, better are the collaborations between designers and sportswear companies. Jill Sander has been showing out with Puma for a couple of seasons now, Paul Smith's walking out with Reebok and now Yohji Yamamoto's copped off with Adidas. You can just see Yohji back in Tokyo pouring through the archives and thinking "Football, trainers what is all this about?" Meanwhile Oki Ni are selling and marketing Montreal on their website and in their shops as a "football" trainer. At £120 a chuck! Bloody 'ell they'll be filming 'The Football Factory' next.

 

Who gets the kudos from all this? Do Adidas foresee a scally uprising in Tokyo? Does anybody give a toss? Of course not! We buy trainers, because … well we all know why. You can't put into writing why you buy one make/style of trainers and not another. What you can put into writing is the fact that Fashion Designers and training shoes and fashion editors and "retro sportswear blah blah blah" = [****!!****]y half-witted tossers. I'll give it 3 months. Before you know it they'll be predicting the return of combat trousers!

 

Five Teds you'll see in "80's sportswear" this summer

 

1) Gareth Gates

2) David Beckham

3) Dev from Corrie

4) Will Mellor

5) Vernon Kay

 

Five Dream "Designer" collaborations to be spotted in Selfridges this summer

 

1) Primark & Patrick (JJB Mix)

2) Lotto & Lidl (Italian flair and German efficiency)

3) Fubu & [****!!****] (exactly)

4) Ellesse & Evisu

5) Fila & Fiorucci

 

Five 1981 "London Casual" hangouts long overdue for a revival

 

1) The Lyceum

2) The Goldmine

3) Austin Reed Sportswear section - Regent Street

 

[EFM The Firm, The Voice]

I'd like to warn Vernon Kaye now that I'm after all his presenting jobs, he is rubbish, I am not, the world will see see!