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EFM vs Saints Supporters, Match Programme, Instalments 1-4

GHA EFM

By GHA EFM
in St. Albans City Forum

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GHA EFM Newbie

GHA EFM

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Text only, copied word for word, apostrophe for apostrophe...almost...names changed for legal reasons...

 

Front Page:

 

Welcome to Clarence Park

EFM

Doin' it for the City

 

EFM IN TAKEOVER SHOCK

 

[picture of Colin Zeal receiving champagne from Lee Harding]

 

V Saints Supporters

'Friendly' Match - Friday 4th May 2001 - Clarence Park, St. Albans. - Kick off 7.30pm

 

Page 2

 

Advertisement

 

Page 3

 

Manager Talk...

Colin Zeal

 

First of all, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you all for coming to Clarence Park this evening to support this game. The idea of a challenge match between the two sets of St Albans fans was the brain-child of Peter Ratcliffe, and tonights game has been on the lips of almost everyone at the Park for the last few weeks now.

E.F.M.'s last match was against Aylesbury United's Chicken Run side. Conditions were far from ideal to the type of "rock'n'roll" football we like to play, and things certainly looked ominous when we found ourselves 2-0 down just after half-time. I can't fault our defence for either goal though, and EFM's Librarian certainly didn't stand a chance with the first one, which was a cracking strike. However, the character of the lads was superb, and when Dave Ashley pulled a goal back, you could sense that the balance of the game was shifting, and we went on to win 4-2. I don’t usually like to single out individuals, but I must mention our skipper Elvis, who had a cracking game scoring twice, and continuously made sure the lads didn’t once let their heads drop. Our fourth goal was, of course, scored by striker EFM The Firm, The Voice.

So, onto tonight’s game against “Saints Supporters FC”. We are fully aware that we are out-and-out

 

“I believe that we are fully prepared for the task that lies ahead”.

 

underdogs, but training has been highly successful in the last few weeks, and the side is, I believe, fully prepared for the task that lies ahead. What excites me most about our team is the enthusiasm and passion our players are showing, as well as the well-balanced mix of youthful exhuberance [sic] and experienced heads that is vital to a successful team. Looking at the Sunday League tables, I see that our opposition have had a disappointing season, but we must remember that they have a high level of fitness, as well as the fact that they know each other inside out, on their side. However, I must say I have been slightly disappointed with the lack of respect that some of the “Saints Supporters” have been showing us in recent weeks, but tonight we will try and put that out of our minds, and just concentrate on winning the game.

I would like to thank St Albans manager John Kendall for the help and advice he has given, and for making the special effort to take us for training, and also to Lee Harding, whose efforts in making sure this game goes ahead have been fantastic.

 

Enjoy the game.

 

Colin Zeal

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Page 4

 

E.F.M

 

EFM The Firm, The Voice

(Striker)

Famed for his unique dress sense, EFMTFTV’s nickname “Sniffer” comes from his lethal predatory instincts, as he showed with some clinical finishing against Aylesbury Supporters. A recent appearance on stage with legendary Inspiral Carpets keyboard player Clint Boon bodes well for Sniffer’s future career when he finally hangs up his boots.

 

Elvis

(Winger)

The “Ace” in E.F.M.’s pack and the man who gave the team its name. If Ladies’ Man Elvis, 18, is as big a hit on the park this evening as he is with the chicks at Batchwood on a Saturday night, a win fro E.F.M. is certainly on the cards.

 

Colin Zeal

(Winger)

Player/manager of E.F.M., Colin can proudly boast a 100% record during his managerial career. The renowned smoothie and guitar-playing crooner takes the right-wing berth in tonight’s line-up. Let’s hope he tears down the flanks as well as he knocks out shoes chords!

 

Bin Fadhel

(Defender)

Be-stubbled Bin Fadhel makes his E.F.M. debut tonight at right-back. The versatile youngster shows plenty of promise and claims to have the most powerful right foot on the field - something I’m sure Pinky would agree with.

 

Hooded Man

(Defender)

Inspiring thespian Hooded Man treads the boards in the centre of defence for E.F.M. If his commitment to tonight’s game matches his irrational fixation with local council estates, the Saints Supporters attack are in for a torrid time.

 

EFM’s Librarian

(Goalkeeper)

Firebrand ‘keeper EFM’s Librarian, 21, is notorious for his on-field bust-ups with match officials. A sedate and serene bookseller [sic] by trade, but a beast on the pitch, EFM’s Librarian also enjoys playing tennis. And he’ll be hoping to keep the ball well away from the E.F.M. net tonight.

 

Lee Wood

(Defender)

Bustly bone-crunching wood, 22, forms a vital cog in Mr Harding’s slick corporate machine [sic]. An art designer by trade, Lee will be drawing up plans for victory by making a clear canvas of E.F.M.’s penalty box tonight.

 

Ben

(Striker)

Lean, mean goal-machine Ben, a self-proclaimed young Steve Clark, aims

 

Page 5

 

to follow in his mentor’s footsteps tonight by becoming the new goal-scoring hero at Clarence Park. A trainee referee, Ben will be hoping to blow the whistle on any Saints Supporters’ hopes this evening.

 

Grand High Aviator

(Defender) [sic]

The youngest player in E.F.M.’s line-up tonight, Grand High Aviator is best known for being Kit Manager at Clarence Park. Rugby-playing Grand High Aviator will make the ‘conversion’ from cleaning boots to playing in them tonight as the Saints Supporters ‘try’ to get past him.

 

Steve Gillies

(Midfield)

Playmaker Steve, makes his first appearance for E.F.M. this evening. Keen gambler and Spanish student Gillies, 28, intends to make it a ‘buenos dias’ for his teammates tonight - and who would bet against it?

 

Pete

(Midfield)

Hard-man Pete, whose big mouth gave rise to this match, is one of three players on the pitch tonight to have played for both teams. Pete is training to be an English teacher, but tonight will be hoping to teach the opposition a thing or two. Let’s hope they’ve done their homework!

 

Jimmy Lawrence

(Defender)

Acid tongued Jimmy, 24, an aspiring tabloid journo, intends to be writing his own headlines tonight. With Jimmy in defence, the opposition will certainly struggle to get to the ‘by-line’. Will they be able to ‘hack’ it?

 

DA

(Striker)

One of two accountants in the E.F.M. line-up this evening, diminutive DA, 24, is banking an E.F.M. victory. Star striker for his second team, The Crown, DA intends to be King on the Clarence Park pitch tonight.

 

Nuneaton Dave

(Defender)

A student of law, Nuneaton Dave, 22, holds court at left back for E.F.M. Judging by his last performance for the side, Nuneaton Dave is more than prepared to take the law into his own hands. And the Saints Supporters may well witness that tonight.

 

Ryan Moran

(Defender)

Young centre-back who came to the Saints afterbeing [sic] released by Luton Town. Well documented [sic] member of EFM [sic], whose passion for Cider [sic] and Hill Top girls have got the young man where he is today. A sure bet to [sic] St. Albans’ first million pound player.

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Page 6

 

The Opposition

Saints Supporters F.C

 

The Manager:

Leigh Page:

Second spell as manager, took the club out of Division Four three years ago scoring over 100 goals.

 

---------------

 

John Farmer

Goalkeeper in his first season at the club since joining on a Bosman from The Black Horse. Can often be found in the Clubhouse, before, during and after a game.

 

Paul Gipps:

Centre forward who is top goalscorer this season. Likened to Paul Walsh in playing style and mullet. Member of the Sod Squad.

 

Neil Hughes:

Striker who re-joined the club at the end of this season. Better known as Nerys, scored 2 on his debut for the club.

 

Dave Saintuaran:

Striker who has scored over 200 goals for the club in Seven years. Currently sidelined with a broken leg. Has played and scored for the St. Albans City first team.

 

Gary Tomlinson:

Uncompromising right back who can also play at Centre half. Bears resemblance to gardening favourite Charlie Dimmock.

 

Martin Godfrey:

Much travelled central midfielder with a good engine. Joined the club four years ago, scoring on his debut.

 

Phil Hulkes:

Skilful midfielder/ striker with an eye for scoring goals. Expect the unexpected.

 

Gary Davies:

Lanky left-winger/striker with good close control. Wath out for ' go go Gadget' legs.

 

Barry McKay:

Centre Back or Central midfield. Been at the club seven years making over 300 appearances. Member of th [sic] Sod Squad.

 

Howard Long:

Central midfield. Affectionately known as 'Wiggy', Howard is the elder statesman of the side. Captain of the sod squad.

 

Ron Philpott:

Centre back in his second spell with the club. Renowned for his non-ability in front of goal.

 

Nick Crowther:

Left Back and ardent Carlisle fan (poor sod). Currently match secretary at SACFC.

 

James Brewer:

Defender used in a variety of positions this season. Been at the club seven years. Works as Gateman [sic] at Clarence Park.

 

Greg Hester:

Wide midfielder in his second season with the club. Current managers player of the year. Member of the sod squad.

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Page 7

 

Captain's Comments

Elvis

 

"The term 'friendly' is unknown in the EFM dictionary"

 

Welcome to Clarence Park tonight for our eagerly awaited fixture with the "Saints Supporters'. It's indeed an honour not only to be named captain of EFM but to play on such a stage as under the lights of Clarence Park

I know that EFM are not entirely welcomed and adored by many in these parts but if it's against the law to have a laugh with your friends and have a few drinks then I for one am guilty.[Emboldened by GHA, not emboldened in programme]

I also know that the lads are certainly 'up for this' and can assure you that the term friendly is unknown in the EFM dictionary. In the build up to tonight's fixture there seems to be a few scores to settle on the hallowed turf and having been on the recieving [sic] end of Lee Woods' anger I would certainly expect a few hefty challenges to be exchanged tonight. We welcome the 'Saints Supporters' to the park tonight and if they play football as well as they talk it then it should make for an interesting game.

The attitude and commintment [sic] shown by EFM has been superb, none more noticably than in training under the watchful eye of first team manager John Kendall. JK has taken us for a few sessions and they have proved very fruitful in our preparations for the big game. The talk on the terraces is that we can expect a right hammering tonight so really we have nothing to lose, all I do know is that there will only be one winner tonight - St. Albans City.

I must take this opportunity to thank everyone at the club who has helped stage the game tonight, however a brief word must be said about the club secretary Steve Eames who seems to aquired [sic] the mother of all chips to place on his shoulder regarding EFM. Lighten up man will ya! We are under no illusions about the task ahead of us tonight but if we can show half the ability and promise from our training sessions, we can have a realistic chance of getting a positive result tonight.

 

Doin' if for the City!

 

Elvis

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  • 1 year later...
GHA EFM Newbie

GHA EFM

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The manager was a top boy.

 

'You wouldn't see Steve Castle drive for an hour to give EFM a training session on the Clarence Park pitch in sleet and snow'

 

'Nah, you wouldn't really want him to give an EFM training session, either'

 

<img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

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